After getting caught up on how we need to live our lives as Christians, I always find myself coming back to the concept of 'just love God,... read the Bible' Talks of what we should or shouldn't do seem to be inevitable no matter how you dress them. Membership agreements at my church, talks about tithing, relationships, career, friendships, ministry, etc... It stems from our lives being a combination of faith and actions. It comes down to where we put our faith and the actions that stem from that distribution of faith. If someone wholeheartedly loves God, then its easy to see how one way s/he can live it out is by finding someone else who loves God to spend their time with, giving back to God past the point of hurting one's own fiscal/social/whatever health, and devoting substantial amounts of time reaching out to both believers and non-believers in love, compassion and wisdom. Once faith gets split up into other categories such as intelligence, people skills, money, career success, etc...then you see a shift from the ideal life. Things like spending time working to make more money, studying for the better job opportunities, diverting money to other people, possessions, comforts, family, etc... It's tough to balance legalism and using one's own actions as a compass of where they are with God. It can be dizzying, but I can always rely on Matthew 6:33 and God's desire for obedience, and most of all, our love for Him. And so His Word becomes vital in our quest to loving Him more than we do at any given moment.
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One part of my life I constantly wrestle with is in my relationships with my friends who have not accepted Jesus to be their personal Lord and savior. I love them dearly, and throughout my life God has placed me around some of the most loving, compassionate, noble, honest, inwardly beautiful, and outwardly beautiful people I have ever and probably will ever know. The thing that weighs so heavily on my heart is that paradox that these people I view as being 'good' are not in God's eyes, and so if they were to pass away without knowing God, then they will suffer in eternity. And that fear for them drives me much more than my desire to see them worship God. I feel a pang of guilt, but the gravity of the situation with their souls is the overwhelming feeling I have. I have found that this has bled into my mind and heart in terms of being attracted to a couple of my female friends who I get along with very well, and even admire in several respects. This troubles me because it also tells me that I am not finding the love for God that my fellow Christian girl friends as the most beautiful attribute a girl can have. Suggesting that maybe my love for God is weaker than it would be if I did find faith in Jesus more attractive than a 'good heart' according to my personal standards (assuming physical beauty in both exaples)? I do not know the answer to that question, nor do I care to. This though process seems to also end in the same place over the years. I need to search for God's will in that part of my life, and every other part of my life. I need to sensitize my heart and mind to His voice through obedience, and spending time getting to know Him more.
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All in all, I find myself on the verge of someone who can become a workaholic by enjoying an academic and clinical career so much. I also worry about my ability to see myself marrying a non-Christian, and wonder how my children would be raised. Then I worry about my I do not pray for my family more than I already do, especially as my Grandmother is living in a rehab clinic these days.
God help me to worship you more.
Friday, February 29, 2008
quick thoughts on: Christian topics, and compatibility/love for God
Monday, February 18, 2008
what am i doing this for? is it worth it?
these are sort of very personal thoughts, but i don't have the desire to spend anymore time if there is a way to make this post private. i just needed to write these out somewhere, which is what this blog is for. as far as i know, i have no readers, if you are someone who knows me, then please leave me a comment so I have an idea of who my audience is. I don't mind you reading this if you don't mind reading these Christian faith-related thoughts of mine.
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sometimes i like to just sit back and admire how people take on life differently. at this point in life, in the 20's there is a pretty big difference between people in terms of where they have gone since college. some people got married young but pursued their careers and are putting off kids until their 30's, some people got marreid and started to have kids in their mid 20's, some people pursued a career without giving relationships a 2nd glance because of the amount of focus their path demanded, while some were able to excel in their competitive career path while maintaining a relationship, but of course putting kids off as well. and then you have combinations of all sorts. it reminds me of the movie Family Man. of course that movie had its own opinion, and i try to step back from my instinctual opinion to see if my reason and ideals lead me to a different conclusion (whether family is preferrable over career when life makes you choose)
who know. i think internal debates like this can drive anyone insane, which is why i am reminded yet again to search for God's guidance on how to take this current step in life.
Matt 6:33 - thoughts like the ones in this post are why i've had this as my favorite verse to fall back on since early college even until today. helps me refocus on God.
rock on guys
-john
Saturday, February 16, 2008
procrastination post: blogging choices, life update
so i'm sitting here on a saturday morning before a huge exam week, trying to figure out things i could do before i start studying, so here i am blogging away. d:
for those who wonder why i decided not to blog about my faith on my other blog, i guess i can write about that a little bit for now.
one thing about blogging about your personal life updates is that sometimes if you have enough readers......then if you try to tell people how you've been doing in person, you'll run into a: "oh yeah i already read about that on your blog" and then that sort of kills that topic and you find something else to talk about.
so the last thing i want to do is gimp any potential conversations i want to have with my non-christian friends about the gospel and why i believe in God.
another reason is that at least 2 of my closest friends right now, who are both not Christian, have expressed to me that they appreciate how I don't seem to sneak in ways to push my faith on them, and that whenever I do talk about it, it comes off as me being genuinely talking about my life, like any other part of my life. and i want to keep that openness about religion and faith between my friends and me, so i can continue to try to abide in Him so that people might be able to notice God in my life without even mentioning it with words. i think this is a good place for that saying: "actions speak louder than words" its hard to claim how God has changed your life when your life looks a lot like that other decent guy who doesn't believe in God. there has to be a visible difference, because thats what God does. he transforms lives from the inside out. that is the power He has, and the power He desires for to use on us for Him and us.
and that is a near constant prayer of mine, ever since i started to pray over a short list of friends i deeply cherish and thank God for, who have yet to know God. there are still names that have hung over since high school, but there are now a couple of new names of people i've met the pat 5 years. i never give up the hope that they too will know the joy and understanding that transcends that comes with meeting God personally, and giving your life to Him.
I am surprised at my recent (past year) strengthening of my desire to appreciate the Word. It is reminiscent of the months after i went to Summer Training Institute with the Navigators back in 2000, where I first learned of valuable skills in studying the Bible. I think my last summer's experience at Summer Medical Institute with Val really woke up a part of me that didn't really search for God's direct voice when I read the Word. Now i look for it each time I sit down with the Bible. It is good.
maybe thats enough for now. these 2 years in first and second year medical school has been challenging. mostly because i have no study stamina. i honestly still can only study for time periods of 5-10 minutes at a time. that is why you always see my status as 'studying' because when you study for 5 mins and then take a 15-20 minute break. it takes you longer to learn the stuff. but its ok, i welcome the challenge. life is sometimes about taking on challenges, and overcoming them.
ok now i really need to get myself to the library.
hope all is well with everyone. i hope to be much more free to get back in touch with my friends next year. i don't like how my life has narrowed down to just school and church.
-john