Less suck. more awesome!

(imported from my Xanga for you non-Xangans)



This weather has made me eager to drive my crazy commute home from the FP clinic i'm rotating through right now so I can catch the last rays of sunshine setting over the water next to the bridge as i sneak in a quick run in the fall weather.

Honestly, I miss running competitively. Maybe the races, i could do without. You get so excited, and nervous at the same time the night before, and morning of those big 5k's or 10k's. Head out to a wooded area like Sunken Meadow State Park, and run over foothills that looks like giant 15 story behemoths while youre chilling right there on the mulch-lined starting line with the mob of skinny, fast guys half freezing to death in the late fall chill, after having a 1/4-1/2th of a bagel, water, and a banana for breakfast.

But training was the best. Running right now around a nice waterside park is great, dont get me wrong. I'm running alongside a nice view, with water, a bridge, trees, young couples with kids, middle schoolers playing handball and bball, middle aged people with their dogs, the korean, taiwanese and hispanic 40 yr olds fishing along teh rocks, and the other guys plaing soccer on the fields, with al lthe runners running along teh edges of MacNeil park. its really nice. but the one thing that bothers me....is that there is no competition. Back in high school and even college, youre around so many people youre age, youre bound to find someone who is a runner who is pretty darned fast. Here. I've seen pretty much all the runners in my town, and none of them are in shape. I have to guess that they run at 9-15min mile pace runs for about 10-25 minutes. I'm currently going around 7-7.5min mile pace for 30min-1hour, and its so hard to get faster. My buddies Nat and Jay used to stay right along with me back in the day, and that pushed us down to the 5-6minute mile pace no problem during our peak. sure it wasn't Syosset good, but for us Herricks boys, we were the best in our classes. sub 20 minute 5k's were possible, our captains would usually be around the 16 minute 5k pace, which is stellar. right now, i try to blast my hyper aggressive nu-metal and pumping movie soundtrack music to motivate me, but its not the same feeling as having a guy who is 25 bls heavier than you, 3 inches taller than you storming down the path 5 feet behind you like a madman as a source of motivation to kick it into the next gear for the next couple miles until your legs go beyond the point of burning and pain and your lungs stop crying for relief, and your body goes numb, and then starts to feel really really good as you just say "screw it all" and book it until your muscles cry for the 2nd wave. then you book it some more for the final kick, and then you feel like crap for 2 minutes during warm down, and then feel freaking awesome for the rest of the evening.

good. freaking. times. where. are. they. now. honestly. i need to move to a place that has a really nice park like this, but actually has people who stay in shape and run! the residents at NUMC run at eisenhower park and one of teh surgical cheif residents was a marathon runner. that would be an awesome workout buddy.

i would move near my old high shcool buddies, but both of the guys i used to run with got married this past summer, and while they were stacked to all heck and in shape until the day of the wedding day, marraige seems to be a time-sucker for most guys who work 70-80 hrs a week, so they're gone. boo.

just gotta get to the 6 minute pace by myself then. i think i neede to think this out and write it out so i have clear goals now. if i lose another 10 lbs i think i can shave 30 secs off of my 5k-mile pace. my goal is to hit that before ob-gyn starts, when all hell breaks lose in this part of the world.

Family practice. SOOOOO BORING! but honestly, i needed it. Surgery made me turn into the impatient, demanding, quick thinking, personality-less jerks that i admired in the attendings at NUMC. they were probably the best dept at that hospital. no joke. but i can see how you cant act like that in real life. Family practice docs are a good example of guys who practice healthcare while being very personable, and carry out real conversations with your patients and share about each others lives. this past week has been particularly good for me i nthis respect. I've had 3-4 patients ask me about how im doing with my schooling, faith, relationship status, career goals, fitness level, etc.while they openly shared to me about their stuff. they brought out topics i generally dont share about since i dont think about them unless people specifically ask me about them, so we had great talks. it reminded me of my experiences at SMI last summer as well, since we spoke about faith also. awesome people in LI sometimes. But yeah, it made me become a person again in front of patients instead of being a robot that asked a list of questions about symptoms people get after surgeries, and walking out to rush through to teh next patient so i can get more than 4 hours of sleep that night. would i ever want to do FP? heck no. i dont want to deal with the headache of renting office space, hiring office staff, paying upkeep, etc etc. just pay me a salary and let me work in a hospital where the really sick patients are and al lthe consulting departments and big machines, where i feel like im helping to fix patients who really are sick. but yeah, i appreciate this rotation, because if anything this past week also reminded me in a big way of how much i need to fix my character. less suck more awesome.

gotta get, smarter, faster, stronger, nicer, humble..er, and most importantly, i gotta pray more and know God more. and just briefly, im so thankful to God that He's been helping me to slowly take steps closer to Him again. good stuff.

troo.

Surgery Recap

So i completed my 3rd year surgery rotation. All 12 weeks plus my shelf exam this past monday, which went surprisingly ok.



Surgery started rough. I went in thinking I would hate the surgical experience for many reasons. I'm a slacker. So, the stories of the long 12-40 hour days scared me, and the overnight trauma calls with nasty interns all turned me off before i even started to consider if i would like the actual surgeries themselves.

For the first 1.5 weeks i avoided the OR, and didn't care what the attendings thought of me, since I was just going for the 'Pass' for this rotation. However, my first rotation was the trauma service, and we had weekly meetings with Dr Shaftan, the surgeon who invented the trauma service...no joke. I loved getting trauma pages because it was a rush to be the first medical team to get to a patient after EMS, and to go through the best research protocols in terms of resuscitation, and deciding what needs to be done for every suspicious we had. And when we finally went to the OR for one of my earlier traumas, I loved it.

Then I started to check out the bread & butter surgeries as I transitioned to General Surgery. Hernia repairs and lap choles took time, but they slowly grew on me. Vascular surgery is still 'meh' to me, but neuro surgery seems awesome, but still competitive with a terrible lifestyle. Plastics is def not for me, ortho is not for me, and urology and colorectal were definite turn-offs. Gastric bypasses and bariatric surgery is really interesting with the new stuff coming out, and i actually probably like trauma and general surgery the most right now. ENT was ok, but not all that great. SICU was insanely annoying.

Surgery is a good field if you like the idea of mechanically fixing the human body. Something is stuck in your small bowel? medical treament fails? lets goto the OR and fix it. Your gall bladder or appendix is inflammed and is endangering your life? Lets go to the OR and take it out. Your obesity is going to kill you in a matter of years if you dont lose weight? lets do a gastric bypass and make you lose weight but re-working the design of your gut. You got crushed in a car accident, bones are broken, arteries are slashed, organs are bleeding? lets fix you up in the OR. much respect.

Now i have to see how much i like medicine, but so far i like surgery a lot.

Now that I'm into my first week of Family Medicine. I am INSANELY BORED. OMG Family doctors take care of the most boring cases ever, IMO, compared to surgery. I hate it. There are barely any procedures to do, and everything is so minor. Everything sometimg big/serious does come up, you just send them to the ER, and let the hospital specialists take care of it. SIGH. i can't do it. I need to study my butt off so I can avoid Family and become a surgeon or EM doc, or at least a medicine doc.

well we'll see I guess. However, i'm pretty sure I hate family medicine. after this its OB/Gyn, and at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if i hate family more than ob/gyn, taking into account i'm expecting to feel ob/gyn is hell on earth, just because every intern and resident in ob/gyn just seems chronically angry and mean. At least the babies are cool.

-john

Life, Medicine, and God

So I'm 6 weeks into my first clinical rotation...surgery. I've found an unlikely buddy out of my classmates here in this hospital who shares the same question that's been lingering in my mind every since.....probably.....junior year of college. "Will I like medicine?"or perhaps "Will I like being a doctor?" Surgery is a really awesome field. I've really come to admire the surgical approach to medicine, as opposed to the medical approach. I've always been a mechanically inclined person, and fixing a person's health by physically fixing their body is really awesome. There is just something about learning the structure and function of teh body parts, knowing how they are likely to get broken in different situations, and learning -by doing- how to fix those problems. On the flip side of that coin, is the lifestyle that erquires that surgeons be ok with working very very hard for most of their life, and requiring little sleep in order to still be able to think and operate at -at least- 95% of their full potential no matter when they get called, or how tired they are. I don't think I have what it takes to do that, unfortunately. Ohterwise, I would be thinking much harder about surgery.

I hope medicine has at least as much appeal to me by the time I rotate through it. I have little interest in psych and family med, even less in ob/gyn, but a tiny bit of interest in peds, and some openness to medicnie. I should pray more and study more. This is another area of life that puts me in my place, since it is so clear to me that after I try my best to figure out where i should go, that God's wisdom and guidance is teh only way to really know that I'll end up i nthe right place, living a life that is productive, and glorifying to God in medicine.

Recently, I've also been sort of struck hard with one of my friendships over the past 6 months or so. I guess its one of the very few times that I felt an emotional hit from developments that have occurred in a friendship. I guess I never realized how much i really care for this friend, and at the same time, sometimes you need to just let it go, in order to keep things healthy and alive.

There was a friend of mine that from the beginning I knew i was attracted to her. But because of some differences in faith, I've always supressed and ignored my feelings for her after I would evaluate where I stood with the possibility of dating her. So instead, I was thankful and happy to just become great friends with her. I eventually got a bit messed up whe nshe told me about her boyfriends, not knowing that it would affect me at all....but i moved on, and really tried my very best to put aside any feeligns i had for her when giving her advice and input. I think you eventually come to a point, where you sit back and think about the fact that if you really wanted the best for your friends, including this one for me, that helping them through their life situations teh best yo ucan without any hidden motives is the right thing to do. It's freaking tough, but i think its very doable, since I think i'm doing it now. I hope. d: anyways, enough on that

regarding my last post, I was a bit disappointed in the amount of sharing I was able to do with said friend from that post before we split ways for the next fseveral months, but thankfully we're still speaking openly and frankly about anything and everything, and i still pray as much as i can about it. I think God also has been using this situation as a way of keeping me coming back to Him as well. Honestly, once I lose focus on the important things of life and get distracted by career success, toys, etc, you forget about the fact that every single person i know (and don't know) will face judgement, whether tis good or bad, after they have spent their time here in this life. It jsut seems irresponsible and insanely callous to just enjoy the company of the awesome people in my life while never sharing with them the gospel and who Jesus is to me. This only spurs me back to the prayer that I seek God's kingdom first, always, and that somehow, in someways, that God's love and evidence taht He exists shows through the way I live. Hope that cannot be taken away, and a love that moves people to the point where they love their enemies. That concept of loving your enemies always helps me realize that i shouldn't stop loving those who are dear to me, family and friends, even thourgh tough arguments and falling outs. I have to always keep teh big picture in my mind, and not let petty, and stupid things ruin the beautiful.

anyways. please everyone, stay healthy, and live lives that are worthy of praise from our Father.

i can't wait until surgery and ob/gyn are both over for good. i hate being tired and slightly frustrated at things everytime i have spare time to see old friends.

d:

life's good.

-john

its time......again....

in the midst of my boards cramming, i seem to have been drawn to an unexpected desire.

i'll reiterate something i struggle with on an almost daily basis. living the life as someone who puts their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, can seem insanely difficult when looked at, from the perspective of one person striving to live out of his/her own strength, resolve and merits. what i mean specifically, is with the balance of loving God, and loving His people, both the ones who know Him and the ones who do not.

As most of the people who i have occasional sharing/prayer times with know, I am still good friends with a couple people whom i cherish who are firm in their disbelief of a living and good god. It is something that gnaws at my heart knowing that if things continue the way they are, then when our lives are over, I will be with my Lord in heaven, and my friends will not. Their fate will be infinitely worse. Not a subject that people like to dwell upon for obvious reasons, from both sides.

with one friend of mine, with whom' i've shared many things with over the past few years. i know she values how i haven't pushed my views upon her or preached to her, and i think that was the right way to act towards her and love her as a friend. but, recently i've come, by God's grace, to realize that i need to share very openly, about what the gospel means to me and who Jesus is to me, at least once, very soon, with my own words, and in person. i only get to see her two or three times a year, and so i'm pretty resolved on the decision that the next time i see her, i will be sharing with her. and right now, i'm not really all that nervous about it in terms of what i will be saying, and how i will be saying it, but i'm more nervous about how the Holy Spirit will be moving, and if i will do anything that will be a hindrance to His work in her. but that anxiety is something i also need to be letting go of. something a friend of mine reminded me of recently as well. life can't go and won't go according to my hopes, dreams and desires, but it will be according to God's design.

but this is something that must be done, or the regret i will feel will be well deserved. if i don't share and love my friends that God has brought into my heart, then who will? i cannot shirk off the responsibility that God has given to me. it is a welcome burden, and a good command for us to obey.

that worry i ahve for my unsaved friends, is one of teh hardest things for me to surrender to God. it is paradoxical to me. but i know it is the right thing to do.

if you have any spare prayer time, please join me as i ask God that His will be done with the salvation of my friend. i know it seems a bit silly to pray for people whom you don't even know the name of, and even sillier to use initials and false names, but for now i wish to only disclose her first initial - Y. i'd be more than happy to share openly about this in person but this is as far as my blog will go for now.

may we all be constantly renewed by the Spirit, daily, as the holes in our souls leak God's spirit and revert to being human again and again.

it has been too long since i have shared the gospel to someone who i hold dear to my heart. God give me urgency with those you have placed around me who still do not know you. and help me to live with Your love driving all my motivation in life.

i'm hoping to see her again in about 2 weeks, right in between my COMLEX step 1 and USMLE step 1. i'll give a day up in that time period so easily just to have a good talk with her. we need to live with an eternal perspective, because even though our worldly pressures and efforts are noble, God's kingdom overshadows them all.

-in Love to my fellow siblings in God
jjk

all messed up....

the things that i don't want to be bothered by. which are also things that i want to be immune to. are sometimes the things that mess me up the most and push me off track with what i was focusing on the most in my life (studies...right now).

blah.

sigh.

rar.

>:|

watch this junx

so far this sermon has definitely made me reconsider the way i've been living moreso than anything else since last summer with SMI.

It made me first think about the people i care about most. My sisters, mom, grandmom, and my most cherished friends.

Praying the sinner's prayer definitely is not and should not be the standard for people being assured of their own salvation.

After being involved in church ministry and para church ministry for about 15 years, i can definitely see evidence that only a small minority of people who attend church, and a minority of even the leaders that serve faithfully in church at any given time live with the evidence that they know Jesus and bear the fruit that makes it clear with the way they live. I've heard it said only once every few years to my face/ears, probably because only a small number of people are aware of it.

No wonder it is so hard for our churches to mobilize to serve the poor, be the salt and light, to love each other, and have small group Bible studies that changes lives and sharpens each other.

My prayer is that I would really get back to spending some alone time with God and seeing where we are with each other, and what I need to do to allow Him to fix things.

with renewed urgency

My sense of pride in my thinking...

Studying really makes the blog gears turn. I also swept my living room last night, mopped the stairs, finished screwing in all the CFL lightbulbs i bought into all the sockets in the house, bought a custom tailored suit, etc etc.... gosh i stink at cramming for a month at a time.

The past couple weeks have sort of guided my perspective on life to a more, what i like to call, a "zoomed out" view. My life perspective likes to gradually zoom in and out at whim. Maybe i need to explain this. What i mean by "zoomed in" is lets say.... I just finished my classes for school, and have a huge career-determining exam on July 1st. My focus turns to preparing for this exam. Waking up, showering, chugging caffeine, reading, reading reading, reaing, eat, read, read, drink energy drink, read, drink tea, read, read, read, read, dinner, read, read, read, workout, pray 30 secs, sleep. then the next day i fine tune my schedule, making adjustments. I go shopping for cold cuts and bread so i dont have to leave my room for lunch, saving 30mins to an hour. or giving myself an extra 30 mins to take a break. my focus goes into fine tuning this routine i'm designing. that's a zoomed-on perspective. somethings are distractions, some things are welcome breaks. its all connected to my studying.

Zooming out, you think about why i want to do well on this exam. why do i want to be in a reasonably competitive and challenging environment as a physician? why do i want to stay in NY? how is my family? why is family important to me? my faith? what do i believe? why do i believe? etc etc.... the bigger issues.

so the news is something i keep up with pretty faithfully, and last weekend, there was a triple murder in a very nice suburban town that i know, which hit sort of close to home. it reminded me of how life can cut short so abruptly and cruel...ly. I thought about how i was driven to pray for my non-believing friends in college so much more when one of my good buddies at Columbia , who wasn't a believer passed away due to a freak accident during junior year. It killed me, and i got angry at myself that i didnt share Jesus with him sooner, or live a life that shouted 'God exists! and He loves you!' much better. Then yesterday the news of Steven Curtis Chapman's 5-year old daughter getting killed by her own brother by a freak accident on their driveway just sort of pushed it right back into my head.

Being made aware of these things just pushes me to look at things like celebrity gossip shows/columns, the problem of hating the food you're eating for lunch because you've had it too often, people annoying you because of a random pet peeve, as things that lose significance when I put them in my zoomed-out perspective. I don't think im going to say they ahve less absolute significance, although i want to say it, but i'm open to the idea that those things may be immensely important to many people. But for me, during these things.....they are not......at all.

i'm going to go on a sort of mental trip right now...

Then while i'm at this stage, i started to play with the parallels with studying, and my faith in God. Getting myself to spend time with God...quality time... in prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, singing, listening, etc... its easy for me to feel like its like studying. I know studying is good for me. It is the proper thing to be doing, but the candies of life can tempt me away from the healthy wholesome meals. I have to push myself study, i get off track very very often, and have to mentally buckle down and try again. same with my walk with God. its a discipline.

then i can look at my relationship with God like a relationship with a significant other/girl. With a girl, it can be easy to spend time with her, call her, talk, buy things, plan dates, etc etc when the feeling is there, but any person who's been married for decades will tell you that there were many times where they questioned the relationship, where the feeling was dead, and things just seemed very dark, but they pushed through and their marriage survived to become even more beautiful.

but I then i remind myself that my relationship with God shouldn't be modeled after my relationship with studying or with a girl, but it should be the other way around. Studying should come out of my desire to honor God with excellence. Being a good significant other to a girl should be driven by my love for God and in turn Him giving me more love for this person. And ultimately, my main concern should be what it says in my all-time fave verse for the past umpteen years. Matthew 6:33.

It is the ultimate zoomed-out perspective to which i reset my brain to, when i let myself mull what i want out of this life. Otherwise, I find myself going in random logical and passionate circles feeling very overwhelmed and unsure about the arbitrary goals i set for myself.

It's really only by God's grace that I'm reminded of this, because my own mind wants to figure life out on its own. the impulses are always there. I want ____ to happen! why? because _____ is a value of mine. I like ______ as a person. why? because s/he is _____, and that is a good character trait to have. why? ..... etc...

It's cheesy, and brought up a lot, but ever since i heard it for the first time back in my high school orchestra rehearsal with a guest conductor... I always like to think about how after people pass away, they aren't remembered by the list of accomplishments they piled up, but rather the type of person they were. I like that because I tend to think the other way around when it comes to how my mind likes to prioritize things.

and everyday is ground zero all over again. you don't earn credits in this life, and the past is there but it shouldn't hold me back from doing anything. i try to remember that also with people i meet. everyone needs multiple chances at life. heck.... thats a huge mainstay of Christianity.

-jjk

haven't written anything in a while....so maybe something off the top of my head.....

So, i should devote a few minutes just writing something since i finally finished all the didactic portions of my medical school section of my life! (: i'm pretty stoked to finally get through step 1 and to see what medicine is like in a hospital setting since i really like the idea of being a hospitalist with labs, and machines and patients with a list of symptoms that you try to piece together to help them have a better life. hopefully i can find the right balance of challenge, excitement, pressure/emergency, lifestyle and patient interaction to really like a certain field.

onto some thoughts i've been trying to wrap my head around...

so i think i often pride myself in being able to balance: being accepting and non judgmental about things other people do that are sin, while sort of feeling good that i don't do some of those things.

so first off, (and also to get it out of the way T:, i nkow, weak, but its besides the point of this post) it's not right for me to pat myself on the back of not falling for certain sins, since it really is 100% God's grace that any human being doesn't fall to any and every sin. im pretty sure i agree almost 100% with that sentence. (total depravity discussion is...not for this post either!) especially since i fall victim to my own very equal share of sins, they're just different from most Christian people i've gotten to befriend.

on the subway ride home today, there were 3 of us guys riding home, and my 2 friends sat next to each other, and i decided to sit across from them because i don't like to sit 3 in a row trying to talk to everyone, i like to face the people im having a conversation with (i wonder how those couples who have dinner side-by-side do it? i really like just facing the person im speaking with even though im terrible at eye contact (work in progress! im working on it...furreel) anyways!

eventually i notice this random chick sit next to me. i dont really take a good look, but she was young aand attractive, and had those colors that give an asian girl that flair that seems to make them stick out in a western urban setting (pink stuff and bright really long hair that hit the waist) and this happened while we were having what ended up being a 25-30 min long conversation on the train, and i can't help but notice that the two guys that i'm having a conversation with keep stealing looks/glances at this girl pretty much every. 30. secs. !!!!!

and of course i dont think its wrong for them to look, esp since they were staring at her longer than a sec, or doing anything inappropriate, but then a thought comes into my mind. these 2 guy friends of mine are both in reasonably committed relationships, and i'm the single one, yet they're the ones stealing looks at this random pretty girl, while i'm just trying to talk to them about our future careers! gah! and i can't help but wonder and think that i wouldn't want myself to be glancing at a girl in their position, while dating someone else. i don't know why. its just something that i dont feel 100% comfortable with if its a random girl. if its a long time platonic friend of mine, then its different, because you'd be interacting normally..... since you talk to friends...

one of my older sister's ex-boyfriends would draw comments from my sister to me about him, because everytime they went out to a club or lounge or anywhere where there were people, .... with his guy friends, she would always notice that even though his guy friends would be scoping out the chicks saying thigns like "yoooooo! that girl is hot! check her out over there!" and then 5 of them would be going gaga over some pretty girl, he would sit there not paying attention just chilling with my sis and the girls who werent looking. and i really respected that. especially since he wasn't a Christian, and for some reason Christians find it surprising to find morals in non-Christians (including me ...back then.... sometimes...) but he was a real model of fidelity, through years, of even him suspecting my sister of cheating on him, he never messed around with her behind her back. it reminded me of Hosea in the OT where he was faithful to a prostitute that left him multiple times. I often hope that it wouldn;t happen, but i always try to renew a promise with myself and God that I would never leave my wife for her infidelity, and pray that i fix my character flaws that expose me to the possibility of being unfaithful myself. a healthy amount of fear in this area, i feel,...is essential...for allllll guys.

anyways. this is where i feel weird. i think i might...in a way... look at myself in a better light because i reacted to that situation better... while i feel like i really shouldn't. especially since i wouldn't really care of my girlfriend ever checked out anotehr guy , and commented on how attractive he was. it's really fine with me. its like im pretty tolerant one way, but not with myself. a double standard that i don't know how to interpret, because i don't why its there, but i feel very strongly about it. i'm totally fine with things like girlfriends chilling with ex'es, hanging out with other guys 1-on-1 etc, but i would hope that i get permission for myself to do the same if i found myself in a committed relationship. well maybe that one makes more sense.

anyways, yeah. my random thoughts of the day. and writing thigns out always reminds me that i need to rely more on having teh Holy Spirit live in me, so that i don't rely on my reason and internal convictions, but rather seek to become more like Jesus in character, heart, and mind so i react to life in wisdom and integrity and most importantly, in love. so i'll make that an internet prayer of mine.

its hard to be a chill Christian friend to your non-Christian friends while striving to live out the gospel in their eyes in hopes that they see evidence of God when they look at your life, and ultimately find life in Him.

anyway...i really need to focus on my studies these days. i dont want to regret these 6 weeks.

fighting for every inch of life (in a spoiled situation),
jjk

BY THE WAY:

if i ever bring up something and you (the reader) think that i'm mentioning you and that im being wrong, disrespectful, judgemental, etc... (anything positive or negative) and it bothers you, please let me know, and i'll remove any offending matter, and ai apologize in advance, but i will not write about any of my friends in a way that is purposefully malicious or any of those above traits. i honestly don't like to judge anyone's character since i hold a viewpoint that we all fall short of perfection, and i am no better of a person, and if i appear any better it is God and not me. i'm being balls-out honest right now. i dont know if i need to say this since i think i only have 2 readers i know of, but this will apply to all posts...future and past. including the 2 bros from this story. i think they are both top-notch guys that i would trust family with.

FURTHER ADDENDUM:

i forgot about mentioning something i meant to earlier about the main point of the post. looking and admiring while in a monogamous relationship def has a huge range of opinions from my friends from conversations i've had in the past, some girls find it totally ok for guys to go see strippers at a club for a b-party or even after marraige, while some girls would seriously consider the possibility of her husband cheating on her after she finds out he went to a restaurant with waitstaff wearing bikinis for his bachelors party. with guys having similar and respective opinions of their own, so i dont claim that there is a norm for what is proper and improper for looking at attractive random people in public places while in serious relationships.

losing someone you valued as a friend sucks

thankfully with a title like that, i didn't have a friend pass away this time around, so just want to make that clear.

i had a classmate back in college, whom i thought i got along with casually pretty well. after graduation i never kept in touch for years, until about a year ago something triggered my memory about her and so i decided to get back in touch with her. she was a very atypical friend if i compared her to the rest of my friends that i generally have. and over the short time we were talking again, we got into some great conversations about our very opposed viewpoints and i really really liked having those frank conversations with each other.

eventually we got into a conversation that just spiraled downhill, and part of the blame lies with my spur of the moment decision to for once be less p.c. and be a bit more upfront with my language when i spoke about my morals and faith in God. but this turned out to be a poor decision, because i underestimated the effect it would have on our conversation and more importantly our relationship.

she got really upset, and despite my efforts and concurrent prayers to come off as non0judgemental as possible (i think i really often get mis-characterized in peoples minds because of stereotypes and also my non-typical language combined with atypical thinking) i think she got the impression that i looked down on her way of living, and she proceeded to explain how she never considered me a friend and that she was toying with me since the moment we got back in touch with each other as well. then she pretty much broke off teh means by which we were communicating.

some time has passed since then, and i never forgot about it. i continue to pray for her salvation just as often as some of my childhood friends, i dont know why she has had this much of an impacton me, but thats just how it is, and i'm going to go with it. i dropped her a friendly hello on her fb page, and then later on when i was browsing fb during a study break (i really need to be cramming with no distractions this weekend btw) i noticed she had removed me as a friend, and i think that sort of got to me a bit, since it really seems like everything i did since then to make amends and to get her to have a conversation with me, in person, or over IM again just made things worse, and i should just stop trying now.

its a bummer for sure, but i hope to keep praying for her. she was someone who was shunned by the church when she was just a kid because of her sexuality, and i think that really hurt her deeply, and still hurts her now when she realizes im a Christian also. and with things like hurt and pain, i can only ask that the presence of JC comes into her life to make her feel truly loved by God and complete.

as much as i think a big part of the way i live life is driven by the ideals and philosophy my thinking and faith brings me to, i can't deny that these personal experiences also have powerful effects on the way i behave. i've had more than one close non-Christian friend tell me how they really appreciate how i don't push my faith on them, but speak naturally about it in passing. i think i did break that mold when i spoke with the friend i just blogged about here, but it was also because i assumed we were speaking frankly out of a level of comfort. but now i see that comfort was unilateral.

i pray to God that He guides her life to His truth sometime very soon. i have faith that He will, if it fits into His plan. this mindset also makes it impossible to me to deny the thoughts of Arminius. anyways before i digress, i'll end here.

pls pray for my friend A.S. if you have the time. thanks.

-jjk

easily distracted

One of my favorite books is A Confession by Leo Tolstoy. He wrote about his lifelong journey to becoming a believer in the Christian faith, a journey that took almost the entirety of his life because of how the church was behaving during his lifetime. It got involved in conflicts, corrupt governments, smaller disagreements, in-fighting, etc. I hear the same criticisms from people these days, and I think these will be timeless, because thats how we are as people, and thats how Christians are......we're people.

It's like an ongoing duo...tomy?...duonity? umm. almost an inherent dichotomy...?.....argh. its like something being two opposite traits at once. We say we are new creations in Christ, and yet we fall victim to the same temptations from this world and our enemy as we did prior to us receiving Christ into our lives. Which brings the age old question... if I believe that God exists, and His Spirit has come into my life and is working from the inside to transform me to be more Christ-like, then why can't the world see these changes as evidence of God? why does it work out in the way that they see our lives as even more of an excuse not to believe in God? this is frustrating, and a huge motivating factor for me to live differently, especially so that my atheist or agnostic friends can see that God does exist through my life. I sometimes lose hope that this is possible, so I need to remind myself of the God I gave my life to. And this always brings me back to the Word. I can't just trust my own thoughts, otherwise I'll be living for a god I made up in my mind.

It's easy to get lost in my studies these days. I've had dinners this past week with old friends, people i've cared about for years. And our conversations ranged from our plans for the next couple years, what we're working at for the moment, and relationships or lack thereof for some of us. Things that come at me at every direction and are visible with my own eyes tend to take priority over things that are unseen. I need to study my brain and eyesight into oblivion to pass and hopefully do reasonably well on my boards. This is the first time in my life i've invested a huge important part of my life into something I do not think i can do well at, even if i tried really hard. SAT's were simple, so was the MCAT. I could've gotten good grades throughout college if i really tried, but i dont have motivation for school,...not then and not now.

Med school is a different beast. i don't have motivation to study it 24/5 or maybe 12/6 like most guys/girls who do exceptionally well do. So with studying maybe 4hrs/5days a week i've managed to keep up pretty easily, but even if i studied more, ...... ok wait, these numbers make sense. i just don't care enough. which is tough because that makes me more liable to screw up someone's healthcare in the future. so i need to shape up. ther eare so many doctors out there who don't completely understand the concepts behind what they are doing, and they just follow procedures and treatment algorithms because its too hard to learn and maintain understand of everything as life goes on. i'm a concepts driven guy, and i cant be happy just memorizing stuff. if the 'why' doesnt make sense i'll just forget everything, and usually i don't have to patients to learn the 'why' this leaves me as one stupid guy, since most people will at least be able to retain the stuff through rote memorization.

The Bible is too dense. I'll just sit on a certain book, or few chapters for months if not an entire year or 2. I'm still going back to Col after we studied it over the summer. Christ in me the hope of glory. It took weeks for us to dissect out the basic concept of this phrase that seems to be thrown around a lot, and i'm still thinking about it. If i don't grasp a concept in the Bible, then i'll just keep hacking away at it until i can fully internalize it and move on, otherwise I won't learn anything about the faith I've committed to.

i can't wait until this july. even though i'll remain committed to my studies during 3rd year, I will def be able to commit more time with my church small group(s) and friends I used to keep in touch with before med school. i know it's possible because i've seen other students and doctors do it through residency to boot. and anyways, i always welcome a challenge. if its not hard...then why waste time and effort trying to do it? but that's my pride talking. the part of me i can never shake.

i watched an episode of American Dad...the lastest one, and it was about how Stan just isnt the type of guy who can share about his feelings, even to his wife. i think i'm the same. i know its not ideal, and i've tried to be more open in small settings, and it just doesnt come out, and if something comes out, its like it was forced because after i think about what i said, i dont really believe those feeligns i shared were really there. i'm just not that kind of guy i guess, and neither is Stan, so me and him can be cool together. as time goes on, i'm able to pick out whats different about me from 'the norm'. oh well, its coo. i still like sharing with my sg guys.

alright this post was stupid haha, back to studying.

i'm genuinely surprised i have readers...haha sup guys. but i'm still going to write as if no one is reading. as i said earlier this post, talking about this stuff isnt normal for me. xanga is for the things i like to talk about. (:

quick thoughts on: Christian topics, and compatibility/love for God

After getting caught up on how we need to live our lives as Christians, I always find myself coming back to the concept of 'just love God,... read the Bible' Talks of what we should or shouldn't do seem to be inevitable no matter how you dress them. Membership agreements at my church, talks about tithing, relationships, career, friendships, ministry, etc... It stems from our lives being a combination of faith and actions. It comes down to where we put our faith and the actions that stem from that distribution of faith. If someone wholeheartedly loves God, then its easy to see how one way s/he can live it out is by finding someone else who loves God to spend their time with, giving back to God past the point of hurting one's own fiscal/social/whatever health, and devoting substantial amounts of time reaching out to both believers and non-believers in love, compassion and wisdom. Once faith gets split up into other categories such as intelligence, people skills, money, career success, etc...then you see a shift from the ideal life. Things like spending time working to make more money, studying for the better job opportunities, diverting money to other people, possessions, comforts, family, etc... It's tough to balance legalism and using one's own actions as a compass of where they are with God. It can be dizzying, but I can always rely on Matthew 6:33 and God's desire for obedience, and most of all, our love for Him. And so His Word becomes vital in our quest to loving Him more than we do at any given moment.

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One part of my life I constantly wrestle with is in my relationships with my friends who have not accepted Jesus to be their personal Lord and savior. I love them dearly, and throughout my life God has placed me around some of the most loving, compassionate, noble, honest, inwardly beautiful, and outwardly beautiful people I have ever and probably will ever know. The thing that weighs so heavily on my heart is that paradox that these people I view as being 'good' are not in God's eyes, and so if they were to pass away without knowing God, then they will suffer in eternity. And that fear for them drives me much more than my desire to see them worship God. I feel a pang of guilt, but the gravity of the situation with their souls is the overwhelming feeling I have. I have found that this has bled into my mind and heart in terms of being attracted to a couple of my female friends who I get along with very well, and even admire in several respects. This troubles me because it also tells me that I am not finding the love for God that my fellow Christian girl friends as the most beautiful attribute a girl can have. Suggesting that maybe my love for God is weaker than it would be if I did find faith in Jesus more attractive than a 'good heart' according to my personal standards (assuming physical beauty in both exaples)? I do not know the answer to that question, nor do I care to. This though process seems to also end in the same place over the years. I need to search for God's will in that part of my life, and every other part of my life. I need to sensitize my heart and mind to His voice through obedience, and spending time getting to know Him more.

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All in all, I find myself on the verge of someone who can become a workaholic by enjoying an academic and clinical career so much. I also worry about my ability to see myself marrying a non-Christian, and wonder how my children would be raised. Then I worry about my I do not pray for my family more than I already do, especially as my Grandmother is living in a rehab clinic these days.

God help me to worship you more.

what am i doing this for? is it worth it?

these are sort of very personal thoughts, but i don't have the desire to spend anymore time if there is a way to make this post private. i just needed to write these out somewhere, which is what this blog is for. as far as i know, i have no readers, if you are someone who knows me, then please leave me a comment so I have an idea of who my audience is. I don't mind you reading this if you don't mind reading these Christian faith-related thoughts of mine.

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sometimes i like to just sit back and admire how people take on life differently. at this point in life, in the 20's there is a pretty big difference between people in terms of where they have gone since college. some people got married young but pursued their careers and are putting off kids until their 30's, some people got marreid and started to have kids in their mid 20's, some people pursued a career without giving relationships a 2nd glance because of the amount of focus their path demanded, while some were able to excel in their competitive career path while maintaining a relationship, but of course putting kids off as well. and then you have combinations of all sorts. it reminds me of the movie Family Man. of course that movie had its own opinion, and i try to step back from my instinctual opinion to see if my reason and ideals lead me to a different conclusion (whether family is preferrable over career when life makes you choose)

who know. i think internal debates like this can drive anyone insane, which is why i am reminded yet again to search for God's guidance on how to take this current step in life.

Matt 6:33 - thoughts like the ones in this post are why i've had this as my favorite verse to fall back on since early college even until today. helps me refocus on God.

rock on guys

-john

procrastination post: blogging choices, life update

so i'm sitting here on a saturday morning before a huge exam week, trying to figure out things i could do before i start studying, so here i am blogging away. d:

for those who wonder why i decided not to blog about my faith on my other blog, i guess i can write about that a little bit for now.

one thing about blogging about your personal life updates is that sometimes if you have enough readers......then if you try to tell people how you've been doing in person, you'll run into a: "oh yeah i already read about that on your blog" and then that sort of kills that topic and you find something else to talk about.

so the last thing i want to do is gimp any potential conversations i want to have with my non-christian friends about the gospel and why i believe in God.

another reason is that at least 2 of my closest friends right now, who are both not Christian, have expressed to me that they appreciate how I don't seem to sneak in ways to push my faith on them, and that whenever I do talk about it, it comes off as me being genuinely talking about my life, like any other part of my life. and i want to keep that openness about religion and faith between my friends and me, so i can continue to try to abide in Him so that people might be able to notice God in my life without even mentioning it with words. i think this is a good place for that saying: "actions speak louder than words" its hard to claim how God has changed your life when your life looks a lot like that other decent guy who doesn't believe in God. there has to be a visible difference, because thats what God does. he transforms lives from the inside out. that is the power He has, and the power He desires for to use on us for Him and us.

and that is a near constant prayer of mine, ever since i started to pray over a short list of friends i deeply cherish and thank God for, who have yet to know God. there are still names that have hung over since high school, but there are now a couple of new names of people i've met the pat 5 years. i never give up the hope that they too will know the joy and understanding that transcends that comes with meeting God personally, and giving your life to Him.

I am surprised at my recent (past year) strengthening of my desire to appreciate the Word. It is reminiscent of the months after i went to Summer Training Institute with the Navigators back in 2000, where I first learned of valuable skills in studying the Bible. I think my last summer's experience at Summer Medical Institute with Val really woke up a part of me that didn't really search for God's direct voice when I read the Word. Now i look for it each time I sit down with the Bible. It is good.

maybe thats enough for now. these 2 years in first and second year medical school has been challenging. mostly because i have no study stamina. i honestly still can only study for time periods of 5-10 minutes at a time. that is why you always see my status as 'studying' because when you study for 5 mins and then take a 15-20 minute break. it takes you longer to learn the stuff. but its ok, i welcome the challenge. life is sometimes about taking on challenges, and overcoming them.

ok now i really need to get myself to the library.

hope all is well with everyone. i hope to be much more free to get back in touch with my friends next year. i don't like how my life has narrowed down to just school and church.


-john

not sure if i'll follow through but we'll see

perhaps its time to start a new blog......