easily distracted

One of my favorite books is A Confession by Leo Tolstoy. He wrote about his lifelong journey to becoming a believer in the Christian faith, a journey that took almost the entirety of his life because of how the church was behaving during his lifetime. It got involved in conflicts, corrupt governments, smaller disagreements, in-fighting, etc. I hear the same criticisms from people these days, and I think these will be timeless, because thats how we are as people, and thats how Christians are......we're people.

It's like an ongoing duo...tomy?...duonity? umm. almost an inherent dichotomy...?.....argh. its like something being two opposite traits at once. We say we are new creations in Christ, and yet we fall victim to the same temptations from this world and our enemy as we did prior to us receiving Christ into our lives. Which brings the age old question... if I believe that God exists, and His Spirit has come into my life and is working from the inside to transform me to be more Christ-like, then why can't the world see these changes as evidence of God? why does it work out in the way that they see our lives as even more of an excuse not to believe in God? this is frustrating, and a huge motivating factor for me to live differently, especially so that my atheist or agnostic friends can see that God does exist through my life. I sometimes lose hope that this is possible, so I need to remind myself of the God I gave my life to. And this always brings me back to the Word. I can't just trust my own thoughts, otherwise I'll be living for a god I made up in my mind.

It's easy to get lost in my studies these days. I've had dinners this past week with old friends, people i've cared about for years. And our conversations ranged from our plans for the next couple years, what we're working at for the moment, and relationships or lack thereof for some of us. Things that come at me at every direction and are visible with my own eyes tend to take priority over things that are unseen. I need to study my brain and eyesight into oblivion to pass and hopefully do reasonably well on my boards. This is the first time in my life i've invested a huge important part of my life into something I do not think i can do well at, even if i tried really hard. SAT's were simple, so was the MCAT. I could've gotten good grades throughout college if i really tried, but i dont have motivation for school,...not then and not now.

Med school is a different beast. i don't have motivation to study it 24/5 or maybe 12/6 like most guys/girls who do exceptionally well do. So with studying maybe 4hrs/5days a week i've managed to keep up pretty easily, but even if i studied more, ...... ok wait, these numbers make sense. i just don't care enough. which is tough because that makes me more liable to screw up someone's healthcare in the future. so i need to shape up. ther eare so many doctors out there who don't completely understand the concepts behind what they are doing, and they just follow procedures and treatment algorithms because its too hard to learn and maintain understand of everything as life goes on. i'm a concepts driven guy, and i cant be happy just memorizing stuff. if the 'why' doesnt make sense i'll just forget everything, and usually i don't have to patients to learn the 'why' this leaves me as one stupid guy, since most people will at least be able to retain the stuff through rote memorization.

The Bible is too dense. I'll just sit on a certain book, or few chapters for months if not an entire year or 2. I'm still going back to Col after we studied it over the summer. Christ in me the hope of glory. It took weeks for us to dissect out the basic concept of this phrase that seems to be thrown around a lot, and i'm still thinking about it. If i don't grasp a concept in the Bible, then i'll just keep hacking away at it until i can fully internalize it and move on, otherwise I won't learn anything about the faith I've committed to.

i can't wait until this july. even though i'll remain committed to my studies during 3rd year, I will def be able to commit more time with my church small group(s) and friends I used to keep in touch with before med school. i know it's possible because i've seen other students and doctors do it through residency to boot. and anyways, i always welcome a challenge. if its not hard...then why waste time and effort trying to do it? but that's my pride talking. the part of me i can never shake.

i watched an episode of American Dad...the lastest one, and it was about how Stan just isnt the type of guy who can share about his feelings, even to his wife. i think i'm the same. i know its not ideal, and i've tried to be more open in small settings, and it just doesnt come out, and if something comes out, its like it was forced because after i think about what i said, i dont really believe those feeligns i shared were really there. i'm just not that kind of guy i guess, and neither is Stan, so me and him can be cool together. as time goes on, i'm able to pick out whats different about me from 'the norm'. oh well, its coo. i still like sharing with my sg guys.

alright this post was stupid haha, back to studying.

i'm genuinely surprised i have readers...haha sup guys. but i'm still going to write as if no one is reading. as i said earlier this post, talking about this stuff isnt normal for me. xanga is for the things i like to talk about. (: