haven't written anything in a while....so maybe something off the top of my head.....

So, i should devote a few minutes just writing something since i finally finished all the didactic portions of my medical school section of my life! (: i'm pretty stoked to finally get through step 1 and to see what medicine is like in a hospital setting since i really like the idea of being a hospitalist with labs, and machines and patients with a list of symptoms that you try to piece together to help them have a better life. hopefully i can find the right balance of challenge, excitement, pressure/emergency, lifestyle and patient interaction to really like a certain field.

onto some thoughts i've been trying to wrap my head around...

so i think i often pride myself in being able to balance: being accepting and non judgmental about things other people do that are sin, while sort of feeling good that i don't do some of those things.

so first off, (and also to get it out of the way T:, i nkow, weak, but its besides the point of this post) it's not right for me to pat myself on the back of not falling for certain sins, since it really is 100% God's grace that any human being doesn't fall to any and every sin. im pretty sure i agree almost 100% with that sentence. (total depravity discussion is...not for this post either!) especially since i fall victim to my own very equal share of sins, they're just different from most Christian people i've gotten to befriend.

on the subway ride home today, there were 3 of us guys riding home, and my 2 friends sat next to each other, and i decided to sit across from them because i don't like to sit 3 in a row trying to talk to everyone, i like to face the people im having a conversation with (i wonder how those couples who have dinner side-by-side do it? i really like just facing the person im speaking with even though im terrible at eye contact (work in progress! im working on it...furreel) anyways!

eventually i notice this random chick sit next to me. i dont really take a good look, but she was young aand attractive, and had those colors that give an asian girl that flair that seems to make them stick out in a western urban setting (pink stuff and bright really long hair that hit the waist) and this happened while we were having what ended up being a 25-30 min long conversation on the train, and i can't help but notice that the two guys that i'm having a conversation with keep stealing looks/glances at this girl pretty much every. 30. secs. !!!!!

and of course i dont think its wrong for them to look, esp since they were staring at her longer than a sec, or doing anything inappropriate, but then a thought comes into my mind. these 2 guy friends of mine are both in reasonably committed relationships, and i'm the single one, yet they're the ones stealing looks at this random pretty girl, while i'm just trying to talk to them about our future careers! gah! and i can't help but wonder and think that i wouldn't want myself to be glancing at a girl in their position, while dating someone else. i don't know why. its just something that i dont feel 100% comfortable with if its a random girl. if its a long time platonic friend of mine, then its different, because you'd be interacting normally..... since you talk to friends...

one of my older sister's ex-boyfriends would draw comments from my sister to me about him, because everytime they went out to a club or lounge or anywhere where there were people, .... with his guy friends, she would always notice that even though his guy friends would be scoping out the chicks saying thigns like "yoooooo! that girl is hot! check her out over there!" and then 5 of them would be going gaga over some pretty girl, he would sit there not paying attention just chilling with my sis and the girls who werent looking. and i really respected that. especially since he wasn't a Christian, and for some reason Christians find it surprising to find morals in non-Christians (including me ...back then.... sometimes...) but he was a real model of fidelity, through years, of even him suspecting my sister of cheating on him, he never messed around with her behind her back. it reminded me of Hosea in the OT where he was faithful to a prostitute that left him multiple times. I often hope that it wouldn;t happen, but i always try to renew a promise with myself and God that I would never leave my wife for her infidelity, and pray that i fix my character flaws that expose me to the possibility of being unfaithful myself. a healthy amount of fear in this area, i feel,...is essential...for allllll guys.

anyways. this is where i feel weird. i think i might...in a way... look at myself in a better light because i reacted to that situation better... while i feel like i really shouldn't. especially since i wouldn't really care of my girlfriend ever checked out anotehr guy , and commented on how attractive he was. it's really fine with me. its like im pretty tolerant one way, but not with myself. a double standard that i don't know how to interpret, because i don't why its there, but i feel very strongly about it. i'm totally fine with things like girlfriends chilling with ex'es, hanging out with other guys 1-on-1 etc, but i would hope that i get permission for myself to do the same if i found myself in a committed relationship. well maybe that one makes more sense.

anyways, yeah. my random thoughts of the day. and writing thigns out always reminds me that i need to rely more on having teh Holy Spirit live in me, so that i don't rely on my reason and internal convictions, but rather seek to become more like Jesus in character, heart, and mind so i react to life in wisdom and integrity and most importantly, in love. so i'll make that an internet prayer of mine.

its hard to be a chill Christian friend to your non-Christian friends while striving to live out the gospel in their eyes in hopes that they see evidence of God when they look at your life, and ultimately find life in Him.

anyway...i really need to focus on my studies these days. i dont want to regret these 6 weeks.

fighting for every inch of life (in a spoiled situation),
jjk

BY THE WAY:

if i ever bring up something and you (the reader) think that i'm mentioning you and that im being wrong, disrespectful, judgemental, etc... (anything positive or negative) and it bothers you, please let me know, and i'll remove any offending matter, and ai apologize in advance, but i will not write about any of my friends in a way that is purposefully malicious or any of those above traits. i honestly don't like to judge anyone's character since i hold a viewpoint that we all fall short of perfection, and i am no better of a person, and if i appear any better it is God and not me. i'm being balls-out honest right now. i dont know if i need to say this since i think i only have 2 readers i know of, but this will apply to all posts...future and past. including the 2 bros from this story. i think they are both top-notch guys that i would trust family with.

FURTHER ADDENDUM:

i forgot about mentioning something i meant to earlier about the main point of the post. looking and admiring while in a monogamous relationship def has a huge range of opinions from my friends from conversations i've had in the past, some girls find it totally ok for guys to go see strippers at a club for a b-party or even after marraige, while some girls would seriously consider the possibility of her husband cheating on her after she finds out he went to a restaurant with waitstaff wearing bikinis for his bachelors party. with guys having similar and respective opinions of their own, so i dont claim that there is a norm for what is proper and improper for looking at attractive random people in public places while in serious relationships.