Less suck. more awesome!

(imported from my Xanga for you non-Xangans)



This weather has made me eager to drive my crazy commute home from the FP clinic i'm rotating through right now so I can catch the last rays of sunshine setting over the water next to the bridge as i sneak in a quick run in the fall weather.

Honestly, I miss running competitively. Maybe the races, i could do without. You get so excited, and nervous at the same time the night before, and morning of those big 5k's or 10k's. Head out to a wooded area like Sunken Meadow State Park, and run over foothills that looks like giant 15 story behemoths while youre chilling right there on the mulch-lined starting line with the mob of skinny, fast guys half freezing to death in the late fall chill, after having a 1/4-1/2th of a bagel, water, and a banana for breakfast.

But training was the best. Running right now around a nice waterside park is great, dont get me wrong. I'm running alongside a nice view, with water, a bridge, trees, young couples with kids, middle schoolers playing handball and bball, middle aged people with their dogs, the korean, taiwanese and hispanic 40 yr olds fishing along teh rocks, and the other guys plaing soccer on the fields, with al lthe runners running along teh edges of MacNeil park. its really nice. but the one thing that bothers me....is that there is no competition. Back in high school and even college, youre around so many people youre age, youre bound to find someone who is a runner who is pretty darned fast. Here. I've seen pretty much all the runners in my town, and none of them are in shape. I have to guess that they run at 9-15min mile pace runs for about 10-25 minutes. I'm currently going around 7-7.5min mile pace for 30min-1hour, and its so hard to get faster. My buddies Nat and Jay used to stay right along with me back in the day, and that pushed us down to the 5-6minute mile pace no problem during our peak. sure it wasn't Syosset good, but for us Herricks boys, we were the best in our classes. sub 20 minute 5k's were possible, our captains would usually be around the 16 minute 5k pace, which is stellar. right now, i try to blast my hyper aggressive nu-metal and pumping movie soundtrack music to motivate me, but its not the same feeling as having a guy who is 25 bls heavier than you, 3 inches taller than you storming down the path 5 feet behind you like a madman as a source of motivation to kick it into the next gear for the next couple miles until your legs go beyond the point of burning and pain and your lungs stop crying for relief, and your body goes numb, and then starts to feel really really good as you just say "screw it all" and book it until your muscles cry for the 2nd wave. then you book it some more for the final kick, and then you feel like crap for 2 minutes during warm down, and then feel freaking awesome for the rest of the evening.

good. freaking. times. where. are. they. now. honestly. i need to move to a place that has a really nice park like this, but actually has people who stay in shape and run! the residents at NUMC run at eisenhower park and one of teh surgical cheif residents was a marathon runner. that would be an awesome workout buddy.

i would move near my old high shcool buddies, but both of the guys i used to run with got married this past summer, and while they were stacked to all heck and in shape until the day of the wedding day, marraige seems to be a time-sucker for most guys who work 70-80 hrs a week, so they're gone. boo.

just gotta get to the 6 minute pace by myself then. i think i neede to think this out and write it out so i have clear goals now. if i lose another 10 lbs i think i can shave 30 secs off of my 5k-mile pace. my goal is to hit that before ob-gyn starts, when all hell breaks lose in this part of the world.

Family practice. SOOOOO BORING! but honestly, i needed it. Surgery made me turn into the impatient, demanding, quick thinking, personality-less jerks that i admired in the attendings at NUMC. they were probably the best dept at that hospital. no joke. but i can see how you cant act like that in real life. Family practice docs are a good example of guys who practice healthcare while being very personable, and carry out real conversations with your patients and share about each others lives. this past week has been particularly good for me i nthis respect. I've had 3-4 patients ask me about how im doing with my schooling, faith, relationship status, career goals, fitness level, etc.while they openly shared to me about their stuff. they brought out topics i generally dont share about since i dont think about them unless people specifically ask me about them, so we had great talks. it reminded me of my experiences at SMI last summer as well, since we spoke about faith also. awesome people in LI sometimes. But yeah, it made me become a person again in front of patients instead of being a robot that asked a list of questions about symptoms people get after surgeries, and walking out to rush through to teh next patient so i can get more than 4 hours of sleep that night. would i ever want to do FP? heck no. i dont want to deal with the headache of renting office space, hiring office staff, paying upkeep, etc etc. just pay me a salary and let me work in a hospital where the really sick patients are and al lthe consulting departments and big machines, where i feel like im helping to fix patients who really are sick. but yeah, i appreciate this rotation, because if anything this past week also reminded me in a big way of how much i need to fix my character. less suck more awesome.

gotta get, smarter, faster, stronger, nicer, humble..er, and most importantly, i gotta pray more and know God more. and just briefly, im so thankful to God that He's been helping me to slowly take steps closer to Him again. good stuff.

troo.

Surgery Recap

So i completed my 3rd year surgery rotation. All 12 weeks plus my shelf exam this past monday, which went surprisingly ok.



Surgery started rough. I went in thinking I would hate the surgical experience for many reasons. I'm a slacker. So, the stories of the long 12-40 hour days scared me, and the overnight trauma calls with nasty interns all turned me off before i even started to consider if i would like the actual surgeries themselves.

For the first 1.5 weeks i avoided the OR, and didn't care what the attendings thought of me, since I was just going for the 'Pass' for this rotation. However, my first rotation was the trauma service, and we had weekly meetings with Dr Shaftan, the surgeon who invented the trauma service...no joke. I loved getting trauma pages because it was a rush to be the first medical team to get to a patient after EMS, and to go through the best research protocols in terms of resuscitation, and deciding what needs to be done for every suspicious we had. And when we finally went to the OR for one of my earlier traumas, I loved it.

Then I started to check out the bread & butter surgeries as I transitioned to General Surgery. Hernia repairs and lap choles took time, but they slowly grew on me. Vascular surgery is still 'meh' to me, but neuro surgery seems awesome, but still competitive with a terrible lifestyle. Plastics is def not for me, ortho is not for me, and urology and colorectal were definite turn-offs. Gastric bypasses and bariatric surgery is really interesting with the new stuff coming out, and i actually probably like trauma and general surgery the most right now. ENT was ok, but not all that great. SICU was insanely annoying.

Surgery is a good field if you like the idea of mechanically fixing the human body. Something is stuck in your small bowel? medical treament fails? lets goto the OR and fix it. Your gall bladder or appendix is inflammed and is endangering your life? Lets go to the OR and take it out. Your obesity is going to kill you in a matter of years if you dont lose weight? lets do a gastric bypass and make you lose weight but re-working the design of your gut. You got crushed in a car accident, bones are broken, arteries are slashed, organs are bleeding? lets fix you up in the OR. much respect.

Now i have to see how much i like medicine, but so far i like surgery a lot.

Now that I'm into my first week of Family Medicine. I am INSANELY BORED. OMG Family doctors take care of the most boring cases ever, IMO, compared to surgery. I hate it. There are barely any procedures to do, and everything is so minor. Everything sometimg big/serious does come up, you just send them to the ER, and let the hospital specialists take care of it. SIGH. i can't do it. I need to study my butt off so I can avoid Family and become a surgeon or EM doc, or at least a medicine doc.

well we'll see I guess. However, i'm pretty sure I hate family medicine. after this its OB/Gyn, and at this point, I wouldn't be surprised if i hate family more than ob/gyn, taking into account i'm expecting to feel ob/gyn is hell on earth, just because every intern and resident in ob/gyn just seems chronically angry and mean. At least the babies are cool.

-john

Life, Medicine, and God

So I'm 6 weeks into my first clinical rotation...surgery. I've found an unlikely buddy out of my classmates here in this hospital who shares the same question that's been lingering in my mind every since.....probably.....junior year of college. "Will I like medicine?"or perhaps "Will I like being a doctor?" Surgery is a really awesome field. I've really come to admire the surgical approach to medicine, as opposed to the medical approach. I've always been a mechanically inclined person, and fixing a person's health by physically fixing their body is really awesome. There is just something about learning the structure and function of teh body parts, knowing how they are likely to get broken in different situations, and learning -by doing- how to fix those problems. On the flip side of that coin, is the lifestyle that erquires that surgeons be ok with working very very hard for most of their life, and requiring little sleep in order to still be able to think and operate at -at least- 95% of their full potential no matter when they get called, or how tired they are. I don't think I have what it takes to do that, unfortunately. Ohterwise, I would be thinking much harder about surgery.

I hope medicine has at least as much appeal to me by the time I rotate through it. I have little interest in psych and family med, even less in ob/gyn, but a tiny bit of interest in peds, and some openness to medicnie. I should pray more and study more. This is another area of life that puts me in my place, since it is so clear to me that after I try my best to figure out where i should go, that God's wisdom and guidance is teh only way to really know that I'll end up i nthe right place, living a life that is productive, and glorifying to God in medicine.

Recently, I've also been sort of struck hard with one of my friendships over the past 6 months or so. I guess its one of the very few times that I felt an emotional hit from developments that have occurred in a friendship. I guess I never realized how much i really care for this friend, and at the same time, sometimes you need to just let it go, in order to keep things healthy and alive.

There was a friend of mine that from the beginning I knew i was attracted to her. But because of some differences in faith, I've always supressed and ignored my feelings for her after I would evaluate where I stood with the possibility of dating her. So instead, I was thankful and happy to just become great friends with her. I eventually got a bit messed up whe nshe told me about her boyfriends, not knowing that it would affect me at all....but i moved on, and really tried my very best to put aside any feeligns i had for her when giving her advice and input. I think you eventually come to a point, where you sit back and think about the fact that if you really wanted the best for your friends, including this one for me, that helping them through their life situations teh best yo ucan without any hidden motives is the right thing to do. It's freaking tough, but i think its very doable, since I think i'm doing it now. I hope. d: anyways, enough on that

regarding my last post, I was a bit disappointed in the amount of sharing I was able to do with said friend from that post before we split ways for the next fseveral months, but thankfully we're still speaking openly and frankly about anything and everything, and i still pray as much as i can about it. I think God also has been using this situation as a way of keeping me coming back to Him as well. Honestly, once I lose focus on the important things of life and get distracted by career success, toys, etc, you forget about the fact that every single person i know (and don't know) will face judgement, whether tis good or bad, after they have spent their time here in this life. It jsut seems irresponsible and insanely callous to just enjoy the company of the awesome people in my life while never sharing with them the gospel and who Jesus is to me. This only spurs me back to the prayer that I seek God's kingdom first, always, and that somehow, in someways, that God's love and evidence taht He exists shows through the way I live. Hope that cannot be taken away, and a love that moves people to the point where they love their enemies. That concept of loving your enemies always helps me realize that i shouldn't stop loving those who are dear to me, family and friends, even thourgh tough arguments and falling outs. I have to always keep teh big picture in my mind, and not let petty, and stupid things ruin the beautiful.

anyways. please everyone, stay healthy, and live lives that are worthy of praise from our Father.

i can't wait until surgery and ob/gyn are both over for good. i hate being tired and slightly frustrated at things everytime i have spare time to see old friends.

d:

life's good.

-john

its time......again....

in the midst of my boards cramming, i seem to have been drawn to an unexpected desire.

i'll reiterate something i struggle with on an almost daily basis. living the life as someone who puts their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, can seem insanely difficult when looked at, from the perspective of one person striving to live out of his/her own strength, resolve and merits. what i mean specifically, is with the balance of loving God, and loving His people, both the ones who know Him and the ones who do not.

As most of the people who i have occasional sharing/prayer times with know, I am still good friends with a couple people whom i cherish who are firm in their disbelief of a living and good god. It is something that gnaws at my heart knowing that if things continue the way they are, then when our lives are over, I will be with my Lord in heaven, and my friends will not. Their fate will be infinitely worse. Not a subject that people like to dwell upon for obvious reasons, from both sides.

with one friend of mine, with whom' i've shared many things with over the past few years. i know she values how i haven't pushed my views upon her or preached to her, and i think that was the right way to act towards her and love her as a friend. but, recently i've come, by God's grace, to realize that i need to share very openly, about what the gospel means to me and who Jesus is to me, at least once, very soon, with my own words, and in person. i only get to see her two or three times a year, and so i'm pretty resolved on the decision that the next time i see her, i will be sharing with her. and right now, i'm not really all that nervous about it in terms of what i will be saying, and how i will be saying it, but i'm more nervous about how the Holy Spirit will be moving, and if i will do anything that will be a hindrance to His work in her. but that anxiety is something i also need to be letting go of. something a friend of mine reminded me of recently as well. life can't go and won't go according to my hopes, dreams and desires, but it will be according to God's design.

but this is something that must be done, or the regret i will feel will be well deserved. if i don't share and love my friends that God has brought into my heart, then who will? i cannot shirk off the responsibility that God has given to me. it is a welcome burden, and a good command for us to obey.

that worry i ahve for my unsaved friends, is one of teh hardest things for me to surrender to God. it is paradoxical to me. but i know it is the right thing to do.

if you have any spare prayer time, please join me as i ask God that His will be done with the salvation of my friend. i know it seems a bit silly to pray for people whom you don't even know the name of, and even sillier to use initials and false names, but for now i wish to only disclose her first initial - Y. i'd be more than happy to share openly about this in person but this is as far as my blog will go for now.

may we all be constantly renewed by the Spirit, daily, as the holes in our souls leak God's spirit and revert to being human again and again.

it has been too long since i have shared the gospel to someone who i hold dear to my heart. God give me urgency with those you have placed around me who still do not know you. and help me to live with Your love driving all my motivation in life.

i'm hoping to see her again in about 2 weeks, right in between my COMLEX step 1 and USMLE step 1. i'll give a day up in that time period so easily just to have a good talk with her. we need to live with an eternal perspective, because even though our worldly pressures and efforts are noble, God's kingdom overshadows them all.

-in Love to my fellow siblings in God
jjk

all messed up....

the things that i don't want to be bothered by. which are also things that i want to be immune to. are sometimes the things that mess me up the most and push me off track with what i was focusing on the most in my life (studies...right now).

blah.

sigh.

rar.

>:|

watch this junx

so far this sermon has definitely made me reconsider the way i've been living moreso than anything else since last summer with SMI.

It made me first think about the people i care about most. My sisters, mom, grandmom, and my most cherished friends.

Praying the sinner's prayer definitely is not and should not be the standard for people being assured of their own salvation.

After being involved in church ministry and para church ministry for about 15 years, i can definitely see evidence that only a small minority of people who attend church, and a minority of even the leaders that serve faithfully in church at any given time live with the evidence that they know Jesus and bear the fruit that makes it clear with the way they live. I've heard it said only once every few years to my face/ears, probably because only a small number of people are aware of it.

No wonder it is so hard for our churches to mobilize to serve the poor, be the salt and light, to love each other, and have small group Bible studies that changes lives and sharpens each other.

My prayer is that I would really get back to spending some alone time with God and seeing where we are with each other, and what I need to do to allow Him to fix things.

with renewed urgency

My sense of pride in my thinking...

Studying really makes the blog gears turn. I also swept my living room last night, mopped the stairs, finished screwing in all the CFL lightbulbs i bought into all the sockets in the house, bought a custom tailored suit, etc etc.... gosh i stink at cramming for a month at a time.

The past couple weeks have sort of guided my perspective on life to a more, what i like to call, a "zoomed out" view. My life perspective likes to gradually zoom in and out at whim. Maybe i need to explain this. What i mean by "zoomed in" is lets say.... I just finished my classes for school, and have a huge career-determining exam on July 1st. My focus turns to preparing for this exam. Waking up, showering, chugging caffeine, reading, reading reading, reaing, eat, read, read, drink energy drink, read, drink tea, read, read, read, read, dinner, read, read, read, workout, pray 30 secs, sleep. then the next day i fine tune my schedule, making adjustments. I go shopping for cold cuts and bread so i dont have to leave my room for lunch, saving 30mins to an hour. or giving myself an extra 30 mins to take a break. my focus goes into fine tuning this routine i'm designing. that's a zoomed-on perspective. somethings are distractions, some things are welcome breaks. its all connected to my studying.

Zooming out, you think about why i want to do well on this exam. why do i want to be in a reasonably competitive and challenging environment as a physician? why do i want to stay in NY? how is my family? why is family important to me? my faith? what do i believe? why do i believe? etc etc.... the bigger issues.

so the news is something i keep up with pretty faithfully, and last weekend, there was a triple murder in a very nice suburban town that i know, which hit sort of close to home. it reminded me of how life can cut short so abruptly and cruel...ly. I thought about how i was driven to pray for my non-believing friends in college so much more when one of my good buddies at Columbia , who wasn't a believer passed away due to a freak accident during junior year. It killed me, and i got angry at myself that i didnt share Jesus with him sooner, or live a life that shouted 'God exists! and He loves you!' much better. Then yesterday the news of Steven Curtis Chapman's 5-year old daughter getting killed by her own brother by a freak accident on their driveway just sort of pushed it right back into my head.

Being made aware of these things just pushes me to look at things like celebrity gossip shows/columns, the problem of hating the food you're eating for lunch because you've had it too often, people annoying you because of a random pet peeve, as things that lose significance when I put them in my zoomed-out perspective. I don't think im going to say they ahve less absolute significance, although i want to say it, but i'm open to the idea that those things may be immensely important to many people. But for me, during these things.....they are not......at all.

i'm going to go on a sort of mental trip right now...

Then while i'm at this stage, i started to play with the parallels with studying, and my faith in God. Getting myself to spend time with God...quality time... in prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, singing, listening, etc... its easy for me to feel like its like studying. I know studying is good for me. It is the proper thing to be doing, but the candies of life can tempt me away from the healthy wholesome meals. I have to push myself study, i get off track very very often, and have to mentally buckle down and try again. same with my walk with God. its a discipline.

then i can look at my relationship with God like a relationship with a significant other/girl. With a girl, it can be easy to spend time with her, call her, talk, buy things, plan dates, etc etc when the feeling is there, but any person who's been married for decades will tell you that there were many times where they questioned the relationship, where the feeling was dead, and things just seemed very dark, but they pushed through and their marriage survived to become even more beautiful.

but I then i remind myself that my relationship with God shouldn't be modeled after my relationship with studying or with a girl, but it should be the other way around. Studying should come out of my desire to honor God with excellence. Being a good significant other to a girl should be driven by my love for God and in turn Him giving me more love for this person. And ultimately, my main concern should be what it says in my all-time fave verse for the past umpteen years. Matthew 6:33.

It is the ultimate zoomed-out perspective to which i reset my brain to, when i let myself mull what i want out of this life. Otherwise, I find myself going in random logical and passionate circles feeling very overwhelmed and unsure about the arbitrary goals i set for myself.

It's really only by God's grace that I'm reminded of this, because my own mind wants to figure life out on its own. the impulses are always there. I want ____ to happen! why? because _____ is a value of mine. I like ______ as a person. why? because s/he is _____, and that is a good character trait to have. why? ..... etc...

It's cheesy, and brought up a lot, but ever since i heard it for the first time back in my high school orchestra rehearsal with a guest conductor... I always like to think about how after people pass away, they aren't remembered by the list of accomplishments they piled up, but rather the type of person they were. I like that because I tend to think the other way around when it comes to how my mind likes to prioritize things.

and everyday is ground zero all over again. you don't earn credits in this life, and the past is there but it shouldn't hold me back from doing anything. i try to remember that also with people i meet. everyone needs multiple chances at life. heck.... thats a huge mainstay of Christianity.

-jjk