losing someone you valued as a friend sucks

thankfully with a title like that, i didn't have a friend pass away this time around, so just want to make that clear.

i had a classmate back in college, whom i thought i got along with casually pretty well. after graduation i never kept in touch for years, until about a year ago something triggered my memory about her and so i decided to get back in touch with her. she was a very atypical friend if i compared her to the rest of my friends that i generally have. and over the short time we were talking again, we got into some great conversations about our very opposed viewpoints and i really really liked having those frank conversations with each other.

eventually we got into a conversation that just spiraled downhill, and part of the blame lies with my spur of the moment decision to for once be less p.c. and be a bit more upfront with my language when i spoke about my morals and faith in God. but this turned out to be a poor decision, because i underestimated the effect it would have on our conversation and more importantly our relationship.

she got really upset, and despite my efforts and concurrent prayers to come off as non0judgemental as possible (i think i really often get mis-characterized in peoples minds because of stereotypes and also my non-typical language combined with atypical thinking) i think she got the impression that i looked down on her way of living, and she proceeded to explain how she never considered me a friend and that she was toying with me since the moment we got back in touch with each other as well. then she pretty much broke off teh means by which we were communicating.

some time has passed since then, and i never forgot about it. i continue to pray for her salvation just as often as some of my childhood friends, i dont know why she has had this much of an impacton me, but thats just how it is, and i'm going to go with it. i dropped her a friendly hello on her fb page, and then later on when i was browsing fb during a study break (i really need to be cramming with no distractions this weekend btw) i noticed she had removed me as a friend, and i think that sort of got to me a bit, since it really seems like everything i did since then to make amends and to get her to have a conversation with me, in person, or over IM again just made things worse, and i should just stop trying now.

its a bummer for sure, but i hope to keep praying for her. she was someone who was shunned by the church when she was just a kid because of her sexuality, and i think that really hurt her deeply, and still hurts her now when she realizes im a Christian also. and with things like hurt and pain, i can only ask that the presence of JC comes into her life to make her feel truly loved by God and complete.

as much as i think a big part of the way i live life is driven by the ideals and philosophy my thinking and faith brings me to, i can't deny that these personal experiences also have powerful effects on the way i behave. i've had more than one close non-Christian friend tell me how they really appreciate how i don't push my faith on them, but speak naturally about it in passing. i think i did break that mold when i spoke with the friend i just blogged about here, but it was also because i assumed we were speaking frankly out of a level of comfort. but now i see that comfort was unilateral.

i pray to God that He guides her life to His truth sometime very soon. i have faith that He will, if it fits into His plan. this mindset also makes it impossible to me to deny the thoughts of Arminius. anyways before i digress, i'll end here.

pls pray for my friend A.S. if you have the time. thanks.

-jjk

easily distracted

One of my favorite books is A Confession by Leo Tolstoy. He wrote about his lifelong journey to becoming a believer in the Christian faith, a journey that took almost the entirety of his life because of how the church was behaving during his lifetime. It got involved in conflicts, corrupt governments, smaller disagreements, in-fighting, etc. I hear the same criticisms from people these days, and I think these will be timeless, because thats how we are as people, and thats how Christians are......we're people.

It's like an ongoing duo...tomy?...duonity? umm. almost an inherent dichotomy...?.....argh. its like something being two opposite traits at once. We say we are new creations in Christ, and yet we fall victim to the same temptations from this world and our enemy as we did prior to us receiving Christ into our lives. Which brings the age old question... if I believe that God exists, and His Spirit has come into my life and is working from the inside to transform me to be more Christ-like, then why can't the world see these changes as evidence of God? why does it work out in the way that they see our lives as even more of an excuse not to believe in God? this is frustrating, and a huge motivating factor for me to live differently, especially so that my atheist or agnostic friends can see that God does exist through my life. I sometimes lose hope that this is possible, so I need to remind myself of the God I gave my life to. And this always brings me back to the Word. I can't just trust my own thoughts, otherwise I'll be living for a god I made up in my mind.

It's easy to get lost in my studies these days. I've had dinners this past week with old friends, people i've cared about for years. And our conversations ranged from our plans for the next couple years, what we're working at for the moment, and relationships or lack thereof for some of us. Things that come at me at every direction and are visible with my own eyes tend to take priority over things that are unseen. I need to study my brain and eyesight into oblivion to pass and hopefully do reasonably well on my boards. This is the first time in my life i've invested a huge important part of my life into something I do not think i can do well at, even if i tried really hard. SAT's were simple, so was the MCAT. I could've gotten good grades throughout college if i really tried, but i dont have motivation for school,...not then and not now.

Med school is a different beast. i don't have motivation to study it 24/5 or maybe 12/6 like most guys/girls who do exceptionally well do. So with studying maybe 4hrs/5days a week i've managed to keep up pretty easily, but even if i studied more, ...... ok wait, these numbers make sense. i just don't care enough. which is tough because that makes me more liable to screw up someone's healthcare in the future. so i need to shape up. ther eare so many doctors out there who don't completely understand the concepts behind what they are doing, and they just follow procedures and treatment algorithms because its too hard to learn and maintain understand of everything as life goes on. i'm a concepts driven guy, and i cant be happy just memorizing stuff. if the 'why' doesnt make sense i'll just forget everything, and usually i don't have to patients to learn the 'why' this leaves me as one stupid guy, since most people will at least be able to retain the stuff through rote memorization.

The Bible is too dense. I'll just sit on a certain book, or few chapters for months if not an entire year or 2. I'm still going back to Col after we studied it over the summer. Christ in me the hope of glory. It took weeks for us to dissect out the basic concept of this phrase that seems to be thrown around a lot, and i'm still thinking about it. If i don't grasp a concept in the Bible, then i'll just keep hacking away at it until i can fully internalize it and move on, otherwise I won't learn anything about the faith I've committed to.

i can't wait until this july. even though i'll remain committed to my studies during 3rd year, I will def be able to commit more time with my church small group(s) and friends I used to keep in touch with before med school. i know it's possible because i've seen other students and doctors do it through residency to boot. and anyways, i always welcome a challenge. if its not hard...then why waste time and effort trying to do it? but that's my pride talking. the part of me i can never shake.

i watched an episode of American Dad...the lastest one, and it was about how Stan just isnt the type of guy who can share about his feelings, even to his wife. i think i'm the same. i know its not ideal, and i've tried to be more open in small settings, and it just doesnt come out, and if something comes out, its like it was forced because after i think about what i said, i dont really believe those feeligns i shared were really there. i'm just not that kind of guy i guess, and neither is Stan, so me and him can be cool together. as time goes on, i'm able to pick out whats different about me from 'the norm'. oh well, its coo. i still like sharing with my sg guys.

alright this post was stupid haha, back to studying.

i'm genuinely surprised i have readers...haha sup guys. but i'm still going to write as if no one is reading. as i said earlier this post, talking about this stuff isnt normal for me. xanga is for the things i like to talk about. (:

quick thoughts on: Christian topics, and compatibility/love for God

After getting caught up on how we need to live our lives as Christians, I always find myself coming back to the concept of 'just love God,... read the Bible' Talks of what we should or shouldn't do seem to be inevitable no matter how you dress them. Membership agreements at my church, talks about tithing, relationships, career, friendships, ministry, etc... It stems from our lives being a combination of faith and actions. It comes down to where we put our faith and the actions that stem from that distribution of faith. If someone wholeheartedly loves God, then its easy to see how one way s/he can live it out is by finding someone else who loves God to spend their time with, giving back to God past the point of hurting one's own fiscal/social/whatever health, and devoting substantial amounts of time reaching out to both believers and non-believers in love, compassion and wisdom. Once faith gets split up into other categories such as intelligence, people skills, money, career success, etc...then you see a shift from the ideal life. Things like spending time working to make more money, studying for the better job opportunities, diverting money to other people, possessions, comforts, family, etc... It's tough to balance legalism and using one's own actions as a compass of where they are with God. It can be dizzying, but I can always rely on Matthew 6:33 and God's desire for obedience, and most of all, our love for Him. And so His Word becomes vital in our quest to loving Him more than we do at any given moment.

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One part of my life I constantly wrestle with is in my relationships with my friends who have not accepted Jesus to be their personal Lord and savior. I love them dearly, and throughout my life God has placed me around some of the most loving, compassionate, noble, honest, inwardly beautiful, and outwardly beautiful people I have ever and probably will ever know. The thing that weighs so heavily on my heart is that paradox that these people I view as being 'good' are not in God's eyes, and so if they were to pass away without knowing God, then they will suffer in eternity. And that fear for them drives me much more than my desire to see them worship God. I feel a pang of guilt, but the gravity of the situation with their souls is the overwhelming feeling I have. I have found that this has bled into my mind and heart in terms of being attracted to a couple of my female friends who I get along with very well, and even admire in several respects. This troubles me because it also tells me that I am not finding the love for God that my fellow Christian girl friends as the most beautiful attribute a girl can have. Suggesting that maybe my love for God is weaker than it would be if I did find faith in Jesus more attractive than a 'good heart' according to my personal standards (assuming physical beauty in both exaples)? I do not know the answer to that question, nor do I care to. This though process seems to also end in the same place over the years. I need to search for God's will in that part of my life, and every other part of my life. I need to sensitize my heart and mind to His voice through obedience, and spending time getting to know Him more.

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All in all, I find myself on the verge of someone who can become a workaholic by enjoying an academic and clinical career so much. I also worry about my ability to see myself marrying a non-Christian, and wonder how my children would be raised. Then I worry about my I do not pray for my family more than I already do, especially as my Grandmother is living in a rehab clinic these days.

God help me to worship you more.

what am i doing this for? is it worth it?

these are sort of very personal thoughts, but i don't have the desire to spend anymore time if there is a way to make this post private. i just needed to write these out somewhere, which is what this blog is for. as far as i know, i have no readers, if you are someone who knows me, then please leave me a comment so I have an idea of who my audience is. I don't mind you reading this if you don't mind reading these Christian faith-related thoughts of mine.

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sometimes i like to just sit back and admire how people take on life differently. at this point in life, in the 20's there is a pretty big difference between people in terms of where they have gone since college. some people got married young but pursued their careers and are putting off kids until their 30's, some people got marreid and started to have kids in their mid 20's, some people pursued a career without giving relationships a 2nd glance because of the amount of focus their path demanded, while some were able to excel in their competitive career path while maintaining a relationship, but of course putting kids off as well. and then you have combinations of all sorts. it reminds me of the movie Family Man. of course that movie had its own opinion, and i try to step back from my instinctual opinion to see if my reason and ideals lead me to a different conclusion (whether family is preferrable over career when life makes you choose)

who know. i think internal debates like this can drive anyone insane, which is why i am reminded yet again to search for God's guidance on how to take this current step in life.

Matt 6:33 - thoughts like the ones in this post are why i've had this as my favorite verse to fall back on since early college even until today. helps me refocus on God.

rock on guys

-john

procrastination post: blogging choices, life update

so i'm sitting here on a saturday morning before a huge exam week, trying to figure out things i could do before i start studying, so here i am blogging away. d:

for those who wonder why i decided not to blog about my faith on my other blog, i guess i can write about that a little bit for now.

one thing about blogging about your personal life updates is that sometimes if you have enough readers......then if you try to tell people how you've been doing in person, you'll run into a: "oh yeah i already read about that on your blog" and then that sort of kills that topic and you find something else to talk about.

so the last thing i want to do is gimp any potential conversations i want to have with my non-christian friends about the gospel and why i believe in God.

another reason is that at least 2 of my closest friends right now, who are both not Christian, have expressed to me that they appreciate how I don't seem to sneak in ways to push my faith on them, and that whenever I do talk about it, it comes off as me being genuinely talking about my life, like any other part of my life. and i want to keep that openness about religion and faith between my friends and me, so i can continue to try to abide in Him so that people might be able to notice God in my life without even mentioning it with words. i think this is a good place for that saying: "actions speak louder than words" its hard to claim how God has changed your life when your life looks a lot like that other decent guy who doesn't believe in God. there has to be a visible difference, because thats what God does. he transforms lives from the inside out. that is the power He has, and the power He desires for to use on us for Him and us.

and that is a near constant prayer of mine, ever since i started to pray over a short list of friends i deeply cherish and thank God for, who have yet to know God. there are still names that have hung over since high school, but there are now a couple of new names of people i've met the pat 5 years. i never give up the hope that they too will know the joy and understanding that transcends that comes with meeting God personally, and giving your life to Him.

I am surprised at my recent (past year) strengthening of my desire to appreciate the Word. It is reminiscent of the months after i went to Summer Training Institute with the Navigators back in 2000, where I first learned of valuable skills in studying the Bible. I think my last summer's experience at Summer Medical Institute with Val really woke up a part of me that didn't really search for God's direct voice when I read the Word. Now i look for it each time I sit down with the Bible. It is good.

maybe thats enough for now. these 2 years in first and second year medical school has been challenging. mostly because i have no study stamina. i honestly still can only study for time periods of 5-10 minutes at a time. that is why you always see my status as 'studying' because when you study for 5 mins and then take a 15-20 minute break. it takes you longer to learn the stuff. but its ok, i welcome the challenge. life is sometimes about taking on challenges, and overcoming them.

ok now i really need to get myself to the library.

hope all is well with everyone. i hope to be much more free to get back in touch with my friends next year. i don't like how my life has narrowed down to just school and church.


-john

not sure if i'll follow through but we'll see

perhaps its time to start a new blog......