its time......again....

in the midst of my boards cramming, i seem to have been drawn to an unexpected desire.

i'll reiterate something i struggle with on an almost daily basis. living the life as someone who puts their faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, can seem insanely difficult when looked at, from the perspective of one person striving to live out of his/her own strength, resolve and merits. what i mean specifically, is with the balance of loving God, and loving His people, both the ones who know Him and the ones who do not.

As most of the people who i have occasional sharing/prayer times with know, I am still good friends with a couple people whom i cherish who are firm in their disbelief of a living and good god. It is something that gnaws at my heart knowing that if things continue the way they are, then when our lives are over, I will be with my Lord in heaven, and my friends will not. Their fate will be infinitely worse. Not a subject that people like to dwell upon for obvious reasons, from both sides.

with one friend of mine, with whom' i've shared many things with over the past few years. i know she values how i haven't pushed my views upon her or preached to her, and i think that was the right way to act towards her and love her as a friend. but, recently i've come, by God's grace, to realize that i need to share very openly, about what the gospel means to me and who Jesus is to me, at least once, very soon, with my own words, and in person. i only get to see her two or three times a year, and so i'm pretty resolved on the decision that the next time i see her, i will be sharing with her. and right now, i'm not really all that nervous about it in terms of what i will be saying, and how i will be saying it, but i'm more nervous about how the Holy Spirit will be moving, and if i will do anything that will be a hindrance to His work in her. but that anxiety is something i also need to be letting go of. something a friend of mine reminded me of recently as well. life can't go and won't go according to my hopes, dreams and desires, but it will be according to God's design.

but this is something that must be done, or the regret i will feel will be well deserved. if i don't share and love my friends that God has brought into my heart, then who will? i cannot shirk off the responsibility that God has given to me. it is a welcome burden, and a good command for us to obey.

that worry i ahve for my unsaved friends, is one of teh hardest things for me to surrender to God. it is paradoxical to me. but i know it is the right thing to do.

if you have any spare prayer time, please join me as i ask God that His will be done with the salvation of my friend. i know it seems a bit silly to pray for people whom you don't even know the name of, and even sillier to use initials and false names, but for now i wish to only disclose her first initial - Y. i'd be more than happy to share openly about this in person but this is as far as my blog will go for now.

may we all be constantly renewed by the Spirit, daily, as the holes in our souls leak God's spirit and revert to being human again and again.

it has been too long since i have shared the gospel to someone who i hold dear to my heart. God give me urgency with those you have placed around me who still do not know you. and help me to live with Your love driving all my motivation in life.

i'm hoping to see her again in about 2 weeks, right in between my COMLEX step 1 and USMLE step 1. i'll give a day up in that time period so easily just to have a good talk with her. we need to live with an eternal perspective, because even though our worldly pressures and efforts are noble, God's kingdom overshadows them all.

-in Love to my fellow siblings in God
jjk

all messed up....

the things that i don't want to be bothered by. which are also things that i want to be immune to. are sometimes the things that mess me up the most and push me off track with what i was focusing on the most in my life (studies...right now).

blah.

sigh.

rar.

>:|

watch this junx

so far this sermon has definitely made me reconsider the way i've been living moreso than anything else since last summer with SMI.

It made me first think about the people i care about most. My sisters, mom, grandmom, and my most cherished friends.

Praying the sinner's prayer definitely is not and should not be the standard for people being assured of their own salvation.

After being involved in church ministry and para church ministry for about 15 years, i can definitely see evidence that only a small minority of people who attend church, and a minority of even the leaders that serve faithfully in church at any given time live with the evidence that they know Jesus and bear the fruit that makes it clear with the way they live. I've heard it said only once every few years to my face/ears, probably because only a small number of people are aware of it.

No wonder it is so hard for our churches to mobilize to serve the poor, be the salt and light, to love each other, and have small group Bible studies that changes lives and sharpens each other.

My prayer is that I would really get back to spending some alone time with God and seeing where we are with each other, and what I need to do to allow Him to fix things.

with renewed urgency

My sense of pride in my thinking...

Studying really makes the blog gears turn. I also swept my living room last night, mopped the stairs, finished screwing in all the CFL lightbulbs i bought into all the sockets in the house, bought a custom tailored suit, etc etc.... gosh i stink at cramming for a month at a time.

The past couple weeks have sort of guided my perspective on life to a more, what i like to call, a "zoomed out" view. My life perspective likes to gradually zoom in and out at whim. Maybe i need to explain this. What i mean by "zoomed in" is lets say.... I just finished my classes for school, and have a huge career-determining exam on July 1st. My focus turns to preparing for this exam. Waking up, showering, chugging caffeine, reading, reading reading, reaing, eat, read, read, drink energy drink, read, drink tea, read, read, read, read, dinner, read, read, read, workout, pray 30 secs, sleep. then the next day i fine tune my schedule, making adjustments. I go shopping for cold cuts and bread so i dont have to leave my room for lunch, saving 30mins to an hour. or giving myself an extra 30 mins to take a break. my focus goes into fine tuning this routine i'm designing. that's a zoomed-on perspective. somethings are distractions, some things are welcome breaks. its all connected to my studying.

Zooming out, you think about why i want to do well on this exam. why do i want to be in a reasonably competitive and challenging environment as a physician? why do i want to stay in NY? how is my family? why is family important to me? my faith? what do i believe? why do i believe? etc etc.... the bigger issues.

so the news is something i keep up with pretty faithfully, and last weekend, there was a triple murder in a very nice suburban town that i know, which hit sort of close to home. it reminded me of how life can cut short so abruptly and cruel...ly. I thought about how i was driven to pray for my non-believing friends in college so much more when one of my good buddies at Columbia , who wasn't a believer passed away due to a freak accident during junior year. It killed me, and i got angry at myself that i didnt share Jesus with him sooner, or live a life that shouted 'God exists! and He loves you!' much better. Then yesterday the news of Steven Curtis Chapman's 5-year old daughter getting killed by her own brother by a freak accident on their driveway just sort of pushed it right back into my head.

Being made aware of these things just pushes me to look at things like celebrity gossip shows/columns, the problem of hating the food you're eating for lunch because you've had it too often, people annoying you because of a random pet peeve, as things that lose significance when I put them in my zoomed-out perspective. I don't think im going to say they ahve less absolute significance, although i want to say it, but i'm open to the idea that those things may be immensely important to many people. But for me, during these things.....they are not......at all.

i'm going to go on a sort of mental trip right now...

Then while i'm at this stage, i started to play with the parallels with studying, and my faith in God. Getting myself to spend time with God...quality time... in prayer, meditation, reading the Bible, singing, listening, etc... its easy for me to feel like its like studying. I know studying is good for me. It is the proper thing to be doing, but the candies of life can tempt me away from the healthy wholesome meals. I have to push myself study, i get off track very very often, and have to mentally buckle down and try again. same with my walk with God. its a discipline.

then i can look at my relationship with God like a relationship with a significant other/girl. With a girl, it can be easy to spend time with her, call her, talk, buy things, plan dates, etc etc when the feeling is there, but any person who's been married for decades will tell you that there were many times where they questioned the relationship, where the feeling was dead, and things just seemed very dark, but they pushed through and their marriage survived to become even more beautiful.

but I then i remind myself that my relationship with God shouldn't be modeled after my relationship with studying or with a girl, but it should be the other way around. Studying should come out of my desire to honor God with excellence. Being a good significant other to a girl should be driven by my love for God and in turn Him giving me more love for this person. And ultimately, my main concern should be what it says in my all-time fave verse for the past umpteen years. Matthew 6:33.

It is the ultimate zoomed-out perspective to which i reset my brain to, when i let myself mull what i want out of this life. Otherwise, I find myself going in random logical and passionate circles feeling very overwhelmed and unsure about the arbitrary goals i set for myself.

It's really only by God's grace that I'm reminded of this, because my own mind wants to figure life out on its own. the impulses are always there. I want ____ to happen! why? because _____ is a value of mine. I like ______ as a person. why? because s/he is _____, and that is a good character trait to have. why? ..... etc...

It's cheesy, and brought up a lot, but ever since i heard it for the first time back in my high school orchestra rehearsal with a guest conductor... I always like to think about how after people pass away, they aren't remembered by the list of accomplishments they piled up, but rather the type of person they were. I like that because I tend to think the other way around when it comes to how my mind likes to prioritize things.

and everyday is ground zero all over again. you don't earn credits in this life, and the past is there but it shouldn't hold me back from doing anything. i try to remember that also with people i meet. everyone needs multiple chances at life. heck.... thats a huge mainstay of Christianity.

-jjk

haven't written anything in a while....so maybe something off the top of my head.....

So, i should devote a few minutes just writing something since i finally finished all the didactic portions of my medical school section of my life! (: i'm pretty stoked to finally get through step 1 and to see what medicine is like in a hospital setting since i really like the idea of being a hospitalist with labs, and machines and patients with a list of symptoms that you try to piece together to help them have a better life. hopefully i can find the right balance of challenge, excitement, pressure/emergency, lifestyle and patient interaction to really like a certain field.

onto some thoughts i've been trying to wrap my head around...

so i think i often pride myself in being able to balance: being accepting and non judgmental about things other people do that are sin, while sort of feeling good that i don't do some of those things.

so first off, (and also to get it out of the way T:, i nkow, weak, but its besides the point of this post) it's not right for me to pat myself on the back of not falling for certain sins, since it really is 100% God's grace that any human being doesn't fall to any and every sin. im pretty sure i agree almost 100% with that sentence. (total depravity discussion is...not for this post either!) especially since i fall victim to my own very equal share of sins, they're just different from most Christian people i've gotten to befriend.

on the subway ride home today, there were 3 of us guys riding home, and my 2 friends sat next to each other, and i decided to sit across from them because i don't like to sit 3 in a row trying to talk to everyone, i like to face the people im having a conversation with (i wonder how those couples who have dinner side-by-side do it? i really like just facing the person im speaking with even though im terrible at eye contact (work in progress! im working on it...furreel) anyways!

eventually i notice this random chick sit next to me. i dont really take a good look, but she was young aand attractive, and had those colors that give an asian girl that flair that seems to make them stick out in a western urban setting (pink stuff and bright really long hair that hit the waist) and this happened while we were having what ended up being a 25-30 min long conversation on the train, and i can't help but notice that the two guys that i'm having a conversation with keep stealing looks/glances at this girl pretty much every. 30. secs. !!!!!

and of course i dont think its wrong for them to look, esp since they were staring at her longer than a sec, or doing anything inappropriate, but then a thought comes into my mind. these 2 guy friends of mine are both in reasonably committed relationships, and i'm the single one, yet they're the ones stealing looks at this random pretty girl, while i'm just trying to talk to them about our future careers! gah! and i can't help but wonder and think that i wouldn't want myself to be glancing at a girl in their position, while dating someone else. i don't know why. its just something that i dont feel 100% comfortable with if its a random girl. if its a long time platonic friend of mine, then its different, because you'd be interacting normally..... since you talk to friends...

one of my older sister's ex-boyfriends would draw comments from my sister to me about him, because everytime they went out to a club or lounge or anywhere where there were people, .... with his guy friends, she would always notice that even though his guy friends would be scoping out the chicks saying thigns like "yoooooo! that girl is hot! check her out over there!" and then 5 of them would be going gaga over some pretty girl, he would sit there not paying attention just chilling with my sis and the girls who werent looking. and i really respected that. especially since he wasn't a Christian, and for some reason Christians find it surprising to find morals in non-Christians (including me ...back then.... sometimes...) but he was a real model of fidelity, through years, of even him suspecting my sister of cheating on him, he never messed around with her behind her back. it reminded me of Hosea in the OT where he was faithful to a prostitute that left him multiple times. I often hope that it wouldn;t happen, but i always try to renew a promise with myself and God that I would never leave my wife for her infidelity, and pray that i fix my character flaws that expose me to the possibility of being unfaithful myself. a healthy amount of fear in this area, i feel,...is essential...for allllll guys.

anyways. this is where i feel weird. i think i might...in a way... look at myself in a better light because i reacted to that situation better... while i feel like i really shouldn't. especially since i wouldn't really care of my girlfriend ever checked out anotehr guy , and commented on how attractive he was. it's really fine with me. its like im pretty tolerant one way, but not with myself. a double standard that i don't know how to interpret, because i don't why its there, but i feel very strongly about it. i'm totally fine with things like girlfriends chilling with ex'es, hanging out with other guys 1-on-1 etc, but i would hope that i get permission for myself to do the same if i found myself in a committed relationship. well maybe that one makes more sense.

anyways, yeah. my random thoughts of the day. and writing thigns out always reminds me that i need to rely more on having teh Holy Spirit live in me, so that i don't rely on my reason and internal convictions, but rather seek to become more like Jesus in character, heart, and mind so i react to life in wisdom and integrity and most importantly, in love. so i'll make that an internet prayer of mine.

its hard to be a chill Christian friend to your non-Christian friends while striving to live out the gospel in their eyes in hopes that they see evidence of God when they look at your life, and ultimately find life in Him.

anyway...i really need to focus on my studies these days. i dont want to regret these 6 weeks.

fighting for every inch of life (in a spoiled situation),
jjk

BY THE WAY:

if i ever bring up something and you (the reader) think that i'm mentioning you and that im being wrong, disrespectful, judgemental, etc... (anything positive or negative) and it bothers you, please let me know, and i'll remove any offending matter, and ai apologize in advance, but i will not write about any of my friends in a way that is purposefully malicious or any of those above traits. i honestly don't like to judge anyone's character since i hold a viewpoint that we all fall short of perfection, and i am no better of a person, and if i appear any better it is God and not me. i'm being balls-out honest right now. i dont know if i need to say this since i think i only have 2 readers i know of, but this will apply to all posts...future and past. including the 2 bros from this story. i think they are both top-notch guys that i would trust family with.

FURTHER ADDENDUM:

i forgot about mentioning something i meant to earlier about the main point of the post. looking and admiring while in a monogamous relationship def has a huge range of opinions from my friends from conversations i've had in the past, some girls find it totally ok for guys to go see strippers at a club for a b-party or even after marraige, while some girls would seriously consider the possibility of her husband cheating on her after she finds out he went to a restaurant with waitstaff wearing bikinis for his bachelors party. with guys having similar and respective opinions of their own, so i dont claim that there is a norm for what is proper and improper for looking at attractive random people in public places while in serious relationships.

losing someone you valued as a friend sucks

thankfully with a title like that, i didn't have a friend pass away this time around, so just want to make that clear.

i had a classmate back in college, whom i thought i got along with casually pretty well. after graduation i never kept in touch for years, until about a year ago something triggered my memory about her and so i decided to get back in touch with her. she was a very atypical friend if i compared her to the rest of my friends that i generally have. and over the short time we were talking again, we got into some great conversations about our very opposed viewpoints and i really really liked having those frank conversations with each other.

eventually we got into a conversation that just spiraled downhill, and part of the blame lies with my spur of the moment decision to for once be less p.c. and be a bit more upfront with my language when i spoke about my morals and faith in God. but this turned out to be a poor decision, because i underestimated the effect it would have on our conversation and more importantly our relationship.

she got really upset, and despite my efforts and concurrent prayers to come off as non0judgemental as possible (i think i really often get mis-characterized in peoples minds because of stereotypes and also my non-typical language combined with atypical thinking) i think she got the impression that i looked down on her way of living, and she proceeded to explain how she never considered me a friend and that she was toying with me since the moment we got back in touch with each other as well. then she pretty much broke off teh means by which we were communicating.

some time has passed since then, and i never forgot about it. i continue to pray for her salvation just as often as some of my childhood friends, i dont know why she has had this much of an impacton me, but thats just how it is, and i'm going to go with it. i dropped her a friendly hello on her fb page, and then later on when i was browsing fb during a study break (i really need to be cramming with no distractions this weekend btw) i noticed she had removed me as a friend, and i think that sort of got to me a bit, since it really seems like everything i did since then to make amends and to get her to have a conversation with me, in person, or over IM again just made things worse, and i should just stop trying now.

its a bummer for sure, but i hope to keep praying for her. she was someone who was shunned by the church when she was just a kid because of her sexuality, and i think that really hurt her deeply, and still hurts her now when she realizes im a Christian also. and with things like hurt and pain, i can only ask that the presence of JC comes into her life to make her feel truly loved by God and complete.

as much as i think a big part of the way i live life is driven by the ideals and philosophy my thinking and faith brings me to, i can't deny that these personal experiences also have powerful effects on the way i behave. i've had more than one close non-Christian friend tell me how they really appreciate how i don't push my faith on them, but speak naturally about it in passing. i think i did break that mold when i spoke with the friend i just blogged about here, but it was also because i assumed we were speaking frankly out of a level of comfort. but now i see that comfort was unilateral.

i pray to God that He guides her life to His truth sometime very soon. i have faith that He will, if it fits into His plan. this mindset also makes it impossible to me to deny the thoughts of Arminius. anyways before i digress, i'll end here.

pls pray for my friend A.S. if you have the time. thanks.

-jjk

easily distracted

One of my favorite books is A Confession by Leo Tolstoy. He wrote about his lifelong journey to becoming a believer in the Christian faith, a journey that took almost the entirety of his life because of how the church was behaving during his lifetime. It got involved in conflicts, corrupt governments, smaller disagreements, in-fighting, etc. I hear the same criticisms from people these days, and I think these will be timeless, because thats how we are as people, and thats how Christians are......we're people.

It's like an ongoing duo...tomy?...duonity? umm. almost an inherent dichotomy...?.....argh. its like something being two opposite traits at once. We say we are new creations in Christ, and yet we fall victim to the same temptations from this world and our enemy as we did prior to us receiving Christ into our lives. Which brings the age old question... if I believe that God exists, and His Spirit has come into my life and is working from the inside to transform me to be more Christ-like, then why can't the world see these changes as evidence of God? why does it work out in the way that they see our lives as even more of an excuse not to believe in God? this is frustrating, and a huge motivating factor for me to live differently, especially so that my atheist or agnostic friends can see that God does exist through my life. I sometimes lose hope that this is possible, so I need to remind myself of the God I gave my life to. And this always brings me back to the Word. I can't just trust my own thoughts, otherwise I'll be living for a god I made up in my mind.

It's easy to get lost in my studies these days. I've had dinners this past week with old friends, people i've cared about for years. And our conversations ranged from our plans for the next couple years, what we're working at for the moment, and relationships or lack thereof for some of us. Things that come at me at every direction and are visible with my own eyes tend to take priority over things that are unseen. I need to study my brain and eyesight into oblivion to pass and hopefully do reasonably well on my boards. This is the first time in my life i've invested a huge important part of my life into something I do not think i can do well at, even if i tried really hard. SAT's were simple, so was the MCAT. I could've gotten good grades throughout college if i really tried, but i dont have motivation for school,...not then and not now.

Med school is a different beast. i don't have motivation to study it 24/5 or maybe 12/6 like most guys/girls who do exceptionally well do. So with studying maybe 4hrs/5days a week i've managed to keep up pretty easily, but even if i studied more, ...... ok wait, these numbers make sense. i just don't care enough. which is tough because that makes me more liable to screw up someone's healthcare in the future. so i need to shape up. ther eare so many doctors out there who don't completely understand the concepts behind what they are doing, and they just follow procedures and treatment algorithms because its too hard to learn and maintain understand of everything as life goes on. i'm a concepts driven guy, and i cant be happy just memorizing stuff. if the 'why' doesnt make sense i'll just forget everything, and usually i don't have to patients to learn the 'why' this leaves me as one stupid guy, since most people will at least be able to retain the stuff through rote memorization.

The Bible is too dense. I'll just sit on a certain book, or few chapters for months if not an entire year or 2. I'm still going back to Col after we studied it over the summer. Christ in me the hope of glory. It took weeks for us to dissect out the basic concept of this phrase that seems to be thrown around a lot, and i'm still thinking about it. If i don't grasp a concept in the Bible, then i'll just keep hacking away at it until i can fully internalize it and move on, otherwise I won't learn anything about the faith I've committed to.

i can't wait until this july. even though i'll remain committed to my studies during 3rd year, I will def be able to commit more time with my church small group(s) and friends I used to keep in touch with before med school. i know it's possible because i've seen other students and doctors do it through residency to boot. and anyways, i always welcome a challenge. if its not hard...then why waste time and effort trying to do it? but that's my pride talking. the part of me i can never shake.

i watched an episode of American Dad...the lastest one, and it was about how Stan just isnt the type of guy who can share about his feelings, even to his wife. i think i'm the same. i know its not ideal, and i've tried to be more open in small settings, and it just doesnt come out, and if something comes out, its like it was forced because after i think about what i said, i dont really believe those feeligns i shared were really there. i'm just not that kind of guy i guess, and neither is Stan, so me and him can be cool together. as time goes on, i'm able to pick out whats different about me from 'the norm'. oh well, its coo. i still like sharing with my sg guys.

alright this post was stupid haha, back to studying.

i'm genuinely surprised i have readers...haha sup guys. but i'm still going to write as if no one is reading. as i said earlier this post, talking about this stuff isnt normal for me. xanga is for the things i like to talk about. (: